My “Quit Smoking” Blog Journal (Renamed My Addictions)

I was going to stop smoking on Sunday and started this journal. I did not stop as of today. I found another excuse to continue. I wanted to post this so that my blog friends in recovery will know that if I say to them, I understand, I do because I am in recovery as well. As time goes on, I will share more about my addictions and as you can see in the third paragraph, I have had many of them. The first addiction was alcohol. I started drinking alcohol at the age of 21 and continued until the age of 60. ( I will be 64 in August of this year.) I started drinking to avoid my life and the problem with that was it did not work, but I continued drinking anyway. As my other addictions developed, the alcohol stayed. As I stopped one, I continued to drink and found something else to go along with it. I was a mean drunk and the cost was high.

Day One - Sunday, April 8, 2007

I have decided, once again, that I will quit smoking. I know all the reasons why I must quit, but the truth is I really do not want to. However, I am quitting as of today. I only have two cigarettes left and when they are gone, out come the Commit Lozenges. I have them ready. I quit back in May of 2006 and did not smoke until September of 2006. I used the excuse of “my nerves” to start smoking again. I was going through a rough time and needed a crutch. My husband quit at the same time I did and he has weathered our problems without smoking. He is tolerating my smoking but is encouraging me to quit again. Bless him, he means well but each time he mentions my smoking, I get upset. It makes me feel like I am weak that I cannot give up cigarettes and that is far from the truth. As I said the truth is, I just do not want to quit.

I thought that perhaps by writing in a journal and expressing my feelings about quitting and sharing them with my blog friends, I would have success. We will see if this works. I think that if I share with the “world”, I will be too embarrassed to admit failure. Maybe, maybe not.

I have been told that I have an “addictive personality” and did some research and if there really is such a thing, I am a perfect example. I have had many addictions in my life. Alcohol, drugs, reckless spending, gambling, smoking. As I manage to stop one addiction, I find something to replace it. My addictions are a way of avoiding the truth of my life, a way to dull the pain and hurt I feel, to deny they exist. That is how I see smoking. It is my “addiction” of choice now. I have a problem understanding how I can not drink alcohol, not use drugs, stop spending, stop gambling but I cannot quit smoking. Is it because I think it is the least harmful of my addictions and that I cannot find another one to take its place? Addiction is a lifelong struggle. I give my all to addictions just as I do with everything I undertake in life. I am the best at each of them. As I sit here typing, I feel that perhaps people will think, how trite, only smoking, that is not a “real” addiction. I would beg to differ since I know what addiction is. Addiction never goes away. It is something that you manage from day to day.

I have just reread the first paragraph and have mixed feelings about the last few lines. I think the real truth is that if I give up this addiction, I will have to face the pain and hurt and can no longer deny them. I have done a very good job of hiding them all these years.