I posted this on my poetry blog and decided to post it here for those of you who may not read the poetry blog.
Written by Sylvia
The depths of despair have taken my soul in their clutches
Ripped apart, turned inside out, cast aside with hard touches
My soul has been lost forever to the depths of despair
Frightening thoughts fill my soul, it is beyond all repair
A revelation so painful, to confront the dark side of my being
It has me questioning my sanity and I feel like fleeing
To escape the madness that overcomes my mind
Fighting my way through the debris left behind
Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved
This is a place to write about my addictions and their madness. I hope that by writing this journal, it may help others during their recovery and know that when I say I understand, I do.
15 comments:
That's pretty dark, I hope you're not feeling this way all the time :-)
peace to you, my friend!
Thank you for your words... It's hard articulating the pain, and despair that float around inside.
I'm looking for the simplest thing to be grateful for today....
Hi Sylvia. Long time no see? Hope you're in the best of health. Write to me, I'm a good listener.
I get this feeling. I call it the black place, although I must say, I haven't quite faced the revelation yet. I'm trying to do it slowly, so I don't fall into the madness. I also am getting support. Once, it tried to confront me and I just started screaming. I thought I would never be myself again. To some degree, I think I never have been.
Beautifully written. I hope that writing this helped with the feelings and what has caused them.
Much peace and love to you,
Judith
thanks for sharing. I'm back and still sober..
Hi Sylvia. Hope you're in the best of health. If you need someone to talk to, just shout out my name and I shall come arunning.
I just wanna tell you that I got something for you at my blog. Come on over, I shall be waiting.
hey sylvia, just coming by to say hi....
take care, God Bless
Hi Sylvia. Take care.
Greetings and lotta loves from Malaysia.
Thanks,,,...TO Escape the madness..
We were sick people, now why are getting better
Peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve
Sober Steve Said:
In 2 hours I managed to drink a case. I stumbled out to my stand, one that was broken, that I feel out of the day before sober. Got up in that stand feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I felt about my life must be true, that I was worthless, no good and just a drunk. I loaded my gun, said a prayer, the lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want; I placed the muzzle of the gun in my mouth reached down and pulled the trigger. The drunken idiot that I was forgot to load the chamber. Wouldn't make that mistake again, I was getting could feet know. Rigged the gun this time when I lowered it would go off facing me...that still didn't work. I cried I couldn't even kill myself. I sat and drank my last can of beer I had with. Stumbled back to the camper, had my youngest with no license drive us to dinner in town? His mother did this often had to drive. I just then realized I was passing this down to my kids.
Dear Steve
I felt some pain and sadness reading your post - and relief that you didn’t succeed in your suicide attempt. I can relate to feeling worthless (SHAME) and I imagine that is how you felt as a child. I suggest you see a counsellor who does INNER CHILD work. Going to AA doesn’t deal with ones core issues. You will get temporary relief, but you will end up selling your soul to Satan (AA). Jesus Christ is the only way out for you. I suggest you turn to Him, and not AA, or you will end up a SHAPE SHIFTING REPTILE. Satan got Wilson sober so he could delude millions of people like you. You are a SINNER, Steve, and the only way you will be TRANSFORMED, is through the saving GRACE of our LORD JESUS CHRIST. I can speak from experience - AA nearly sent me insane. And it was only when I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me, and forgive me my sins, that I was DELIVERED. Where do you think your soul would have gone, if you had been successful in your suicide attempt? I care about you Steve! Your fellow 12 Step BLOGGERS will only feed of you- they are Satan’s disciples. Did you know that Jesus Christ is not mentioned in the BIG BOOK or any AA literature? Think about it, Steve?
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
HORROR
Three years ago I was wandering around [mental hospital] completely shattered physically, emotionally and spiritually. The mental torment I was experiencing was absolutely terrifying. Every waking second, I was having horrifying images from my past. I thought I was being punished for my past sins. My whole life flashed before my eyes and I felt I had failed miserably in my journey through life. The whole experience was an awakening [THE LONG DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL] a metamorphosis. God was slowly penetrating the shield I had put up all those desperate years. I had no “I” - that is what God wanted for me, to become Christ cantered, not “I” cantered [in retrospect]. There is nothing in this world, but the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. He eventually delivered me from my HELL; when I got down on my knees and asked Him for mercy, and forgiveness for my sins. Praise the LORD!!
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
HOW IT SUCKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who thoroughly followed us home. Those who are not BRAINWASHED are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this garbage, usually men and women who are constitutionally capable of thinking for themselves. There are such fortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born premature. They are naturally capable of building and developing muscles, which demands rigorous training. Their chances are 6/4 on. There are those, too, who are gravediggers and undertakers, but many of them do become ZOMBIES if they have the capacity to be dishonest. Our stories disclose in a twisted way, who we like, what happened, and who we hate now. If you have decided you want a cup of tea and are willing to go to any lengths to become emotionally shutdown, SHAPE SHIFTING REPTILES - then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked, we thought we could find someone to 13th Step. And we realised, we could. With all the madness at our command, we beg of you to become Bill Wilson Clones - from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our BIG BOOKS and the result was nil until we let go of our SPONSORS.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, frothy, bubbly, and powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power that one is the BARMAN. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the bar. We asked the BARMAN for a couple of stiff whiskies. Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program to INSANITY:
1.We admitted we were powerless over Coca - Cola, and decided to drink Pepsi, instead.
2.Came to believe that Cold Power was a detergent.
3.Made a decision to turn our heads when we saw an attractive blond.
4.Did a body search of the new members.
5.Admitted to our DOG, to elves, and to another super being the exact nature of our songs.
6.Were entirely ready to have SUPERMAN remove the effects of kryptonite.
7.Humbly asked CLARK KENT to remove our brains.
8.Made a list of all persons who owed us money, and became willing to charge them interest.
9.Made direct hits wherever possible, except when someone moved the target.
10.Continued to talk crap and when we were wrong, promptly talked more crap.
11.Sought through our mail and computer to improve our conscious contact with BATMAN, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of ROBIN and the return of SPIDERMAN.
12.Having had a stroke as the result of these steps, we tried to carry out the garbage, and fell flat on our backs. Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain their homes and 13th Step the newcomers, at the same time. We are not psychopaths. The point is, that we are willing to become psychotic. The principles we have set down are guides to psychosis. We claim that Bill Wilson was a psychopath.
Our description of the landscape, the chapter to the Gnostic, and our family photos before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were ugly and could not manage our own appearance.
(b) That probably no photographer could have improved our looks.
(c) That a PLASTIC SURGEON could and would if he were sought.
Peace Be With You
Micky
THE 12 STEPS DOWN TO HELL
I imagine 12 Step recovery programs are a slow slide into the jaws of Satan. I was involved with this evil “satanic cult” [AA] for over 30 years but was saved through the power of Jesus Christ. He directed me to a therapist who was into “real” recovery, not the mind destroying, soul destroying, cult, which is AA. I have met two Steppers recently & I imagine they are completely devoid of any emotion or insight. I feel pain because both these men are decent human beings but AA has destroyed their individuality & they have no idea how to relate apart from expounding AA propaganda. I imagine Hell to be a continuous flow of AA meetings without any light at the end of the tunnel because one never recovers'. I beg you people who are in 12 Step programs, to get out before it is too late.
How does one recover when one is handing one’s power over to AA. The 12 Steps were written out of Wilson’s head, he certainly didn’t get his guidance from the Bible. I imagine he was an agent of Satan & he & Smith’s “cult religion” has filled millions of Steppers with their anti - Christ propaganda.
Step Three of AA is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." While many in the Oxford Group placed their faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, there was much leeway given. Shoemaker, a leader of the Oxford Group, says, "The true meaning of faith is self-surrender to God." He further explains: Surrender to whatever you know about Him, or believe must be the truth about Him. Surrender to Him, if necessary, in total ignorance of Him. Far more important that you touch Him than that you understand Him at first. Put yourself in His hands. Whatever He is, as William James said, He is more ideal than we are. Make the leap. Give yourself to Him. Aside from capitalizing the "H," which Christians do to refer to the God of the Bible, "Him" could refer to any god of one’s own making [BEDPAN]. Can you see what is happening to you? Ask Jesus to take control of your lives, read the Bible & instead of 12 Step groups, go to Church. Burn your Big Book or use it as TOILET PAPER. Can you see the difference: With The 12 Steps, you never recover but with John 3:16 you are guaranteed Eternal Salvation. The “ball is in your court”
Peace Be With You
Micky
To Mickey
I am not a member of AA, just have the 12 steps on the site for others. I asked for forgiveness from God and know that he has forgiven my sins and he is first and foremost in my life.
Dear Sylvia
Why do you have the 12 Steps on your site - they are Satanic? What god, forgave you? Did you get down on your knees, and ask Jesus, the Son of God to forgive you, Sylvia? Are you a Christian, Sylvia? Do you read the Bible or the Big Book?
No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.(Luke 16: 13).
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
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