Abuse takes many forms. It can be physical, emotional/verbal. Typically, the hurt from physical abuse eases and wounds heal, sometimes leaving behind scars on your body. The wounds from emotional/verbal abuse are harder to heal. It hurts to the very core of your being and kills your self-esteem, fills you with doubts as to your worth as a human being. No matter hard you try to overcome the pain in your soul, there is always that lingering doubt deep inside. How do I know? I have been in two abusive relationships in my life and I am trying my best to overcome these feelings. There are so many feelings inside me: anger at myself for letting it happen again, anger at him for feeling that he could do those things to me, doubt that I did all I could to get help to save our marriage and get us help, doubt that I am really a good person, did I do something to deserve this treatment, what is wrong with me, why do I still care about him, did I do the right thing by leaving, how will he survive. The list goes on. Even though I am no longer in the situation, I am still letting him control me by worrying about how he will survive and get by, will he find me and make good on his threat to kill me, how will I make it without him.
People wonder why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. Many times, it is because she is not financially able to survive on her own, especially if there are children. She has been beaten so far down that she feels she cannot make it on her own. There are shelters but you can only stay there for so long. You have to think about a job, a place to live, food, divorce, becoming self sufficient, living again, rebuilding your self-esteem, making new friends. It is especially difficult if you are my age, 64. Most agencies are designed to work for younger women with children and do not know what to do or how to help an older adult woman. We have the same things to overcome as a younger woman and in many cases more since we stayed much longer than they did. We grew up in a society that said you stayed married no matter what happened, for better or worse.
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, be there for them to talk if they need to, do not push them to leave but gently let them know you will help them if that time comes, support them however you can. Above all, unless you have been abused yourself, do not tell them you know how they feel, because you cannot know that. You can only imagine.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
http://www.ndvh.org/
Break the silence, make the call
This is a place to write about my addictions and their madness. I hope that by writing this journal, it may help others during their recovery and know that when I say I understand, I do.
