Bruises

written by Sylvia

Bruises on her face, she covers with makeup.
Bruises on her body, she hides with turtle necks and long sleeves.
Bruises on her soul, no way to hide, will never go away.

She never knows what the day will bring, what will make him fly into a rage.
She wonders, is it something I said or did, or just because I am here.
She walks a fine line, watching her words with care, hoping he won't get mad.

People ask why she stays and this is what she says:
there are the children, I don't have a job, I can't make it on my own.
These are the reasons she believes, his control complete for now.

What she doesn't understand is the abuse is not about her but him.
His rage and anger, not hers; his failure, not hers; he is a coward, she is not.
The abuse is the control he lacks in the rest of his life and she is there.

Pain from physical abuse eases and wounds heal, leaving scars behind.
Emotional abuse hurts to the very core of your worth as a human being.
The pain in your soul is difficult to overcome, always a lingering doubt.


Copyright © 2008 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Abuse is a Form of Terrorism

As I was reading the news this morning, it struck me that abuse is a form of terrorism. I had never thought of it that way. I now have an idea of how people feel who are subjected to terror everyday of their lives. Not knowing when the next attack will occur and will they survive another day. I do not intend this to demean in any way people who are affected by terrorism, it is only my observation regarding the feelings inflicted by an abuser. Each day is a struggle with highs and lows. One minute you are up and ready to conquer the world and the next minute ready to get in the corner in a fetal position and withdraw from life. Today and this minute, I am in the conquer mode and not sure how long it will last. I am getting better and I do hope that I can be whiny without someone saying, Get Over It. Until you have been there, you have no right to say that because as I said before, until it happens to you, you cannot understand what has been done to me or countless others who suffer abuse.

It helps to get these feelings out and in black and white. It makes them real so I know I am not really going crazy. My desire is that if there is a person reading this that has been abused, they will know they are not alone. There is someone who understands. Perhaps it will help them take action if they are still in an abusive situation. It is scary and it does take courage but it cannot be any more scary that staying. There are places to go and people who will help. Above all know that you are not alone.

Domestic Violence

Abuse takes many forms. It can be physical, emotional/verbal. Typically, the hurt from physical abuse eases and wounds heal, sometimes leaving behind scars on your body. The wounds from emotional/verbal abuse are harder to heal. It hurts to the very core of your being and kills your self-esteem, fills you with doubts as to your worth as a human being. No matter hard you try to overcome the pain in your soul, there is always that lingering doubt deep inside. How do I know? I have been in two abusive relationships in my life and I am trying my best to overcome these feelings. There are so many feelings inside me: anger at myself for letting it happen again, anger at him for feeling that he could do those things to me, doubt that I did all I could to get help to save our marriage and get us help, doubt that I am really a good person, did I do something to deserve this treatment, what is wrong with me, why do I still care about him, did I do the right thing by leaving, how will he survive. The list goes on. Even though I am no longer in the situation, I am still letting him control me by worrying about how he will survive and get by, will he find me and make good on his threat to kill me, how will I make it without him.

People wonder why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. Many times, it is because she is not financially able to survive on her own, especially if there are children. She has been beaten so far down that she feels she cannot make it on her own. There are shelters but you can only stay there for so long. You have to think about a job, a place to live, food, divorce, becoming self sufficient, living again, rebuilding your self-esteem, making new friends. It is especially difficult if you are my age, 64. Most agencies are designed to work for younger women with children and do not know what to do or how to help an older adult woman. We have the same things to overcome as a younger woman and in many cases more since we stayed much longer than they did. We grew up in a society that said you stayed married no matter what happened, for better or worse.

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, be there for them to talk if they need to, do not push them to leave but gently let them know you will help them if that time comes, support them however you can. Above all, unless you have been abused yourself, do not tell them you know how they feel, because you cannot know that. You can only imagine.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
http://www.ndvh.org/
Break the silence, make the call