The Call

A person I thought was a friend gave my husband the telephone number for my son and of course he called and left a message. The message was he did not understand the divorce papers and if I did not call him, he would just throw them in the trash and see an attorney. The message was left Sunday night and my son waited until Monday morning to tell me (so I could sleep and not be worried). I took a shower to have time to think and then a Xanax to calm down. I decided that sooner or later I would have to talk to him so I bit the bullet and called. He was not drinking and once again says it is because right after I left, he had another near death illness. His blood was much to thin (from blood thinners and alcohol) and his liver is affected. He sounded like he did when we first met. Don't worry, I stood my ground because even though he sounds normal, I remember what happened when I returned in March of this year. I answered the question he had and tried to convince him to file the paperwork so we could finalize the divorce and move on. He wanted to talk and I wanted to end the conversation. After 20 minutes, I told a lie (that I had a doctors appointment and needed to hangup).

What I took away from the conversation is that it is still about him. His health, his car problems, his lack of money, his family, his hard times. I realized that I do not hate him nor do I love him. I do pray each night that he will find some peace and happiness in his life. I sincerely hope these things are possible for him. I also realized that I am moving forward and it was not as scary as I thought it would be to talk to him. It is this way when he is not drinking, if only he had realized this before we may have had a chance. But I cannot start the what ifs, because I have been burned one to many times and it is time for me now.

Waiting

The divorce paperwork should be delivered today. I will know since there will be calls to my cell phone which I still do not answer. The best thing about a call coming in is that I know where he is and do not have to worry about him being close to where I am. I do not answer because I do not want to hear his voice nor what he has to say. It is not time for me to talk to him. Perhaps that will happen in the future, but at this time I would say no. I do not think that he will ever leave my life since I know his routine. He starts to drink and think, picks up the telephone and calls the person that is the object of his rage at the time. If that person does not answer the telephone, he continues to dial their number, over and over again. Occasionally he will leave a vile message and really expects an answer back. He then wonders why no one wants to talk to him. This is just a very small part of how we lived.

Alcohol makes people do and say things they would not ordinally. This statement is made from personal experience. People say that alcohol gives you the courage to express what is on your mind and what you really feel. I can do this without the alcohol and take the time to think about my words before speaking. I believe alcohol is used as an excuse to be rude and hateful to others and otherwise be a jerk. Yes, alochol is an addiction and not everyone reacts this way but far too many do. I know I did and I am truly grateful that for the past four years I have chosen not to drink.

Sad Today

I am sad today. The forms to file for divorce in my old state were mailed yesterday to my husband with instructions on how to file at no cost and no appearance in court by either of us. If all goes according to the filing requirements, by January 2008, another chapter in my life will be closed and another will begin to be written. Why am I sad? After all, I want a divorce from him. I am sad because I invested fifteen years of my life in a relationship that failed. I feel like there has been a death in the family and I need to grieve but I do not know why I would be grieving. At the store last night, every time I turned around, I saw foods that were his favorite. Each time, it was like a dagger being plunged into my heart. It is amazing how small things can create such a strong emotion in us. I am hoping that with time this will pass. The question is how much time will it take.

Another Addiction

He keeps calling my cell and I will not answer. I cannot and will not talk to him now. I am afraid to. I did send an email to his friend giving him an address where a letter could be sent. It is not where I live, only where I get mail. I have prepared the papers to send him so that he can file them and we can be divorced without cost to either of us and without having to appear before the a judge. We had no property or assets to split, so it is very straightforward. If he follows the instructions, a divorce can be granted 60 days from date the first set of paperwork is filed. This is the best that I can do now.

I am still in the process of recovery and as with all addictions, it is not easy. I call it an addiction because there are withdrawal symptoms. Things I see and hear remind me of him and the past fifteen years that we spent together. I cringe when the thought creeps into my mind, I still care about him. In a way that is true. That “care” is not love nor is it hate. I can tell that this is not going to be a fast recovery but nevertheless, it will be a recovery. I write these post with the intent to cleanse my soul and aid in my recovery. The posts may sound disjointed but that is the way my mind is operating these days. Some are better than others. One day at a time is the mantra I need to repeat.

I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work with abused women once my recovery is well underway. I do not think I could do that right now. I am not sure I could be objective and reasonable with them. I did volunteer work with the Women's Shelter in my old town when it was just getting started many years ago and had to stop after several years. I stopped after receiving a call from an abused woman and I identified with her. I stopped being there just to listen and hear her. I wanted to give her advice and that was not what I was trained to do. The reason that I identified with her is that I had been in an abusive marriage at the time.

You see, it seems that I pick all the wrong men, those who abuse. I am trying to figure out why I do that. I think it has to do with lack of self esteem, feelings of being worthless and not being deserving of good treatment. I also think it has to do with desperation to have a man in my life and the mistaken belief that it was necessary in order to be a whole complete person. That is not true. I can be happy with me without anyone else being present in my life. I deserve to be happy and have a good life.