Shortly after that episode, I once again left this marriage and moved on. There was so much more that happened in that relationship that it would take me a very long time to go into the details. It was not a good thing and there are no good memories from it. None at all. After this marriage ended, I added drugs to the mix.
(This is an excerpt from a blog entry that I never posted).
I “cut loose” at the age of 27 that I could do the things I felt I had been cheated out of during my childhood and early adulthood. I felt I had missed so much by having to be an adult when I was only a child. When he was seven, I left him at my mothers to live and he stayed there until the age of thirteen. BIG MISTAKE!!!! During that time, I still had contact with him and would visit often but because of the things that I was doing at the time, I couldn’t have him live with me. I felt so much guilt over leaving him with my mother, that I used material things to buy his love and never said no to him. Another big mistake because he became so use to that solution he feels it should continue today.
I have apologized to him many times and asked for his forgiveness for the damage that I caused and he still will not let go of the past. He will not accept any responsibility for his actions, mistakes or failures. It is always someone else who is to blame. Maybe it is because it is easier to blame others than to feel you have failed.
The thing that makes me want to cry is that I see so much of myself in him before I made changes in my life. The anger, drinking too much, blaming others for my mistakes and failures, the list could on. When I look in the mirror, I see my son as I was before.
(End of excerpt)
I had made friends with several people that I worked with and eventually moved in with them. I started out smoking pot. We always had the best because one of my “friends” boyfriends was dealing and he would not settle for anything less than the best. How’s that for being discriminating. We also were able to get diet pills called “black beauties” that would keep you up for a couple of days. There is always “the doctor” in a town that will write the script for you.
(This is an excerpt from a blog entry that I never posted).
I “cut loose” at the age of 27 that I could do the things I felt I had been cheated out of during my childhood and early adulthood. I felt I had missed so much by having to be an adult when I was only a child. When he was seven, I left him at my mothers to live and he stayed there until the age of thirteen. BIG MISTAKE!!!! During that time, I still had contact with him and would visit often but because of the things that I was doing at the time, I couldn’t have him live with me. I felt so much guilt over leaving him with my mother, that I used material things to buy his love and never said no to him. Another big mistake because he became so use to that solution he feels it should continue today.
I have apologized to him many times and asked for his forgiveness for the damage that I caused and he still will not let go of the past. He will not accept any responsibility for his actions, mistakes or failures. It is always someone else who is to blame. Maybe it is because it is easier to blame others than to feel you have failed.
The thing that makes me want to cry is that I see so much of myself in him before I made changes in my life. The anger, drinking too much, blaming others for my mistakes and failures, the list could on. When I look in the mirror, I see my son as I was before.
(End of excerpt)
I had made friends with several people that I worked with and eventually moved in with them. I started out smoking pot. We always had the best because one of my “friends” boyfriends was dealing and he would not settle for anything less than the best. How’s that for being discriminating. We also were able to get diet pills called “black beauties” that would keep you up for a couple of days. There is always “the doctor” in a town that will write the script for you.
2 comments:
I used to play that game too. It was never my mistakes, someone else was to be blamed.
It's never easy to admit my mistakes. I'm still learning, Sylvia. Still learning...
I too am playing that tape in my mind, seeing myself when looking at my son. I went to an al-alon meeting, made me feel better. My parents couldn't stop me from becoming an alcoholic, and I can not stop my son from smoking and drinking either. All we can do is work ourselves. I have a lot of work to do in that dept. alone.
peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
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