This is not really about my addictions and then again, maybe it is. I wrote it several months ago and have not posted it on my other blog. For some reason, I felt today that I should post it on my addictions blog.
Being Honest
Any challenges I have are merely passing events, and all really is well in my world.By Louise Hay
For me this quote should read, Any challenges I have are merely passing events, and all is beginning to go well in my world.
I have tried to convince others and myself that all is well by putting a positive spin on every thing I write and say about my life. I thought that perhaps by doing that, it would make everything okay. I am tried of glossing over my existence and lying to myself and to you that all is well. The truth is that I know I am still a mess. One other truth is that I have to keep working until all really is well in my world.
For me this quote should read, Any challenges I have are merely passing events, and all is beginning to go well in my world.
I have tried to convince others and myself that all is well by putting a positive spin on every thing I write and say about my life. I thought that perhaps by doing that, it would make everything okay. I am tried of glossing over my existence and lying to myself and to you that all is well. The truth is that I know I am still a mess. One other truth is that I have to keep working until all really is well in my world.
If I quit lying about how my life is going and be brutally honest, then perhaps I can work through the decisions that I have to make and not be afraid to make them or offend the people around me. The people around me are the biggest reason that not all is well in my world. I know that I have a choice to stay or to go. My choice is to go. Maybe then I will have what I pray for every night, peace in my soul.
I put up a good front by smiling, pretending, and not telling the truth about my life. I have been married multiple times and each time those marriages failed. I share in the responsibility for the failures in that I found people I thought I could fix and turn them into my perfect mate. No one is perfect, most of all me, and another person sure cannot make anyone else perfect. I suppose I wanted the little white cottage with a picket fence and they do not exist. As with everything in life, you have to build that cottage and keep working on it so that is stays in good repair. If you do not work on the cottage, then it will fall into disrepair and become inhabitable. My cottages became inhabitable.
I was an enabler in my marriages. I gave my husbands the permission, in fact, I give that permission to everyone, to treat me anyway they wanted to. I gave them material things so that they would love me. What I did not realize at the time was that they should love me for me and not what I gave them. I think that part of the problem stems from my childhood in that I never felt loved or wanted by my parents (here we go again, blaming the parents). I know that they loved me because I was their child, which is different than loving me for me. I am no different from others, I need to be loved and needed. This is not to say that I have to have someone in my life since I am content without that and I enjoy being by myself.
Quotes:
You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of. By Jim Rohn
Depression loses its power when fresh vision pierces the darkness. By Peter Sinclair
Most of the time I like myself but at times I can’t stand me, especially when I am weak and indecisive and afraid to offend others by not speaking the truth about what I want to do with my life. This is a bad habit developed over years and years and one that is hard for me to break. Perhaps this is the cause of all the anger written about in another post. I was angry at myself; therefore, I became angry at everything and everyone. I have gone too far in the opposite direction by being too passive and not getting angry at anything or anyone. I keep all those feelings locked behind a wall, because I do not want to offend. I have to find the middle ground. I know now why people did not like me very much. It was because I did not like me and if I did not like me, then how can others.
I have always kept my true feelings bottled up for fear that, if anyone knew how I really felt, they would not like me or want me around. Here is that needy feeling again. I always felt that when people “needed me” it was because they wanted me to do something for them. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I want to be needed just because. I want to be needed just to be there for them, not because they want something.
Depression loses its power when fresh vision pierces the darkness. By Peter Sinclair
Most of the time I like myself but at times I can’t stand me, especially when I am weak and indecisive and afraid to offend others by not speaking the truth about what I want to do with my life. This is a bad habit developed over years and years and one that is hard for me to break. Perhaps this is the cause of all the anger written about in another post. I was angry at myself; therefore, I became angry at everything and everyone. I have gone too far in the opposite direction by being too passive and not getting angry at anything or anyone. I keep all those feelings locked behind a wall, because I do not want to offend. I have to find the middle ground. I know now why people did not like me very much. It was because I did not like me and if I did not like me, then how can others.
I have always kept my true feelings bottled up for fear that, if anyone knew how I really felt, they would not like me or want me around. Here is that needy feeling again. I always felt that when people “needed me” it was because they wanted me to do something for them. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I want to be needed just because. I want to be needed just to be there for them, not because they want something.
1 comment:
You have a very good post here. I wish I could write like you.
Have a good weekend, Sylvia.
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