Despair

I posted this on my poetry blog and decided to post it here for those of you who may not read the poetry blog.

Written by Sylvia

The depths of despair have taken my soul in their clutches
Ripped apart, turned inside out, cast aside with hard touches
My soul has been lost forever to the depths of despair
Frightening thoughts fill my soul, it is beyond all repair

A revelation so painful, to confront the dark side of my being
It has me questioning my sanity and I feel like fleeing
To escape the madness that overcomes my mind
Fighting my way through the debris left behind

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Memories

When I started this blog, I was going to rehash all the things I did when while drinking and taking drugs. As I wrote the first several posts, the memories became to painful and brought back shame of those things. I have decided that it is not necessary to bare my soul since those things are in the past and I am now living in the present, one day at a time. As addicts, we have all done things that we are not proud of and sometimes nothing useful can be gained by telling them. What is true is that we have for this day stopped that behavior and struggle each day of sobriety to not do them again. For people who have never had an addiction, please know that it is a struggle for those of us who are addicts. I still see things related to drugs on television that bring back feelings that I thought had been dealt with and disposed of. Sometimes a smell, like the smell of a match burning that trigger feelings of getting high. I am terrified of needles now and it is a real struggle when I have to have a blood test or and IV. The memory of the high is so vivid at times, that it scares me to death. What I do know is that I am so thankful that for the present, I am clean and with the guidance of God intend to stay that way.

Grateful

I have been taking a vacation from thinking and using my brain for the last month and that hasn’t gotten me anywhere except closer to dying from boredom. I am happy to report that my son and I continue to communicate and actually are getting along for the time being. His birthday is tomorrow, June 21st and for his birthday, he and his partner have bought a condominium and close on it on his birthday. They have been together for over seventeen years and I am happy that they have gotten the condominium. I am grateful that they get along and stay together through thick and thin.

I am grateful that I have remained sober even though the past months have been full of turmoil and trouble. I am grateful that I have chosen not to drink or use drugs to deal with these issues. I am grateful that I no longer have hangovers. I am grateful that God loves me. I am grateful for the blessings He has bestowed upon me, the food and shelter that He has provided. I am just grateful period.