Friday, November 30, 2007

All Over Again

I wrote this in January 2007 when I had left for the second time and after reading it today, it fits for right now. The title I used in January was At This Moment. Ironic how things repeat themselves.

It has not been my intention to be so sad and morose in my writings on this blog. At this moment in my life there are things that I have to work through and address the grief. I have been using the blog as a way to do that. When I write, my feelings and thoughts are exposed and I am forced to deal with them. Not try to pretend they don’t exist or will simply go away.

This is a part of the healing process that I am going through. At times we all have things in our lives that have to be dealt with. How we deal with them is an individual choice. I have chosen writing for my blog and have also started to write poetry about the events in my life. It has taken every bit of courage I can muster to expose myself to the world but it is necessary. Perhaps there is someone else going through the same sort of thing in their life and if they read this, then they will know they are not alone.

I have included an email sent to a friend of mine. It was written after a day of talking about this moment in my life. The last sentence sums up how I feel about people that are a part of my life now. Please just listen to me, you don’t have to respond in anyway, just listen to me.

The email sent to a friend:

Last night after I went to bed, I felt so alone. After getting my feelings out in the open how my marriage was, no intimacy, etc. I realized how much I missed having someone next to me. Someone just hold me, give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay.

I realized how tired I am of starting my life over, dusting myself off and moving on. Putting on a happy face so no one can see the pain and doubt. Maybe it's because I am older now, but this time I have been knocked so far down, I am having a hard time getting up. Just when I think I have made progress, I let those negative feelings creep in. I am tired of taking care of myself, always have to be independent. I want someone to take care of me for a change. I am tired of making decisions alone. I am tired, well I am just tired.

People around me now, with the exception of you, my new friend, don't understand. They think I should be able to forget everything and put it away as if nothing happened and they don't take it seriously. They don't understand that grief is a part of my life for the moment and I have to work through it. Not grief over him, but grief because a part of me has died and grief because I let it happen.

I have tried to tell them the things that I have shared with you; they interrupt me and change the subject. They don't want to hear what I have to say. It embarrasses them and they don't have a clue how to respond. They don't realize, I don't need a response from them, only for them to listen so they will know me and my world at the moment.


Rex said...

Sometimes I have to make the same mistakes, end up in the same places, make the same choices a hundred times before I figure out how to do it a different way.....amazing how life happens that way.

Shadow said...

it's nice to be able to re-read the things one has written. makes one realise how far one's come, how much one's changed, how wrong things were even though one tried to make them less so.

i get what you mean about just being able to talk to someone about it. just to get it out. that it's no longer a 'secret'. it somehow lessens the burden. but not many people realise that that is all you want to do, talk, not get a solution or advise.

vicariousrising said...

People have a hard time dealing with feelings. They just want the bad ones to disappear rather than for them to be experienced and worked through. Heck, I want my own to just go away most of the time, but I have learned that dealing with them is the only way to grow and really free myself from pain.

Finding people who are good listeners is not easy. I hope I can learn to become one.

I hope you are faring well. (see there I go, wanting you to be happy)