Another Addiction

He keeps calling my cell and I will not answer. I cannot and will not talk to him now. I am afraid to. I did send an email to his friend giving him an address where a letter could be sent. It is not where I live, only where I get mail. I have prepared the papers to send him so that he can file them and we can be divorced without cost to either of us and without having to appear before the a judge. We had no property or assets to split, so it is very straightforward. If he follows the instructions, a divorce can be granted 60 days from date the first set of paperwork is filed. This is the best that I can do now.

I am still in the process of recovery and as with all addictions, it is not easy. I call it an addiction because there are withdrawal symptoms. Things I see and hear remind me of him and the past fifteen years that we spent together. I cringe when the thought creeps into my mind, I still care about him. In a way that is true. That “care” is not love nor is it hate. I can tell that this is not going to be a fast recovery but nevertheless, it will be a recovery. I write these post with the intent to cleanse my soul and aid in my recovery. The posts may sound disjointed but that is the way my mind is operating these days. Some are better than others. One day at a time is the mantra I need to repeat.

I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work with abused women once my recovery is well underway. I do not think I could do that right now. I am not sure I could be objective and reasonable with them. I did volunteer work with the Women's Shelter in my old town when it was just getting started many years ago and had to stop after several years. I stopped after receiving a call from an abused woman and I identified with her. I stopped being there just to listen and hear her. I wanted to give her advice and that was not what I was trained to do. The reason that I identified with her is that I had been in an abusive marriage at the time.

You see, it seems that I pick all the wrong men, those who abuse. I am trying to figure out why I do that. I think it has to do with lack of self esteem, feelings of being worthless and not being deserving of good treatment. I also think it has to do with desperation to have a man in my life and the mistaken belief that it was necessary in order to be a whole complete person. That is not true. I can be happy with me without anyone else being present in my life. I deserve to be happy and have a good life.