He keeps calling my cell and I will not answer. I cannot and will not talk to him now. I am afraid to. I did send an email to his friend giving him an address where a letter could be sent. It is not where I live, only where I get mail. I have prepared the papers to send him so that he can file them and we can be divorced without cost to either of us and without having to appear before the a judge. We had no property or assets to split, so it is very straightforward. If he follows the instructions, a divorce can be granted 60 days from date the first set of paperwork is filed. This is the best that I can do now.
I am still in the process of recovery and as with all addictions, it is not easy. I call it an addiction because there are withdrawal symptoms. Things I see and hear remind me of him and the past fifteen years that we spent together. I cringe when the thought creeps into my mind, I still care about him. In a way that is true. That “care” is not love nor is it hate. I can tell that this is not going to be a fast recovery but nevertheless, it will be a recovery. I write these post with the intent to cleanse my soul and aid in my recovery. The posts may sound disjointed but that is the way my mind is operating these days. Some are better than others. One day at a time is the mantra I need to repeat.
I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work with abused women once my recovery is well underway. I do not think I could do that right now. I am not sure I could be objective and reasonable with them. I did volunteer work with the Women's Shelter in my old town when it was just getting started many years ago and had to stop after several years. I stopped after receiving a call from an abused woman and I identified with her. I stopped being there just to listen and hear her. I wanted to give her advice and that was not what I was trained to do. The reason that I identified with her is that I had been in an abusive marriage at the time.
You see, it seems that I pick all the wrong men, those who abuse. I am trying to figure out why I do that. I think it has to do with lack of self esteem, feelings of being worthless and not being deserving of good treatment. I also think it has to do with desperation to have a man in my life and the mistaken belief that it was necessary in order to be a whole complete person. That is not true. I can be happy with me without anyone else being present in my life. I deserve to be happy and have a good life.
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4 comments:
Everyone deserves a chance at happiness. Everyone deserves to feel safe & secure. Take it one step at a time even if it is one hour at a time. Have faith and remember you are not alone.
it took my siser over 30 years to get out of her abusive relationship. with the same man. whom she married, divorced and re-married countless times. what she says now is that she truly believed everything he told her, the good and the bad. the bad being that she is useless, is nothing without him, doesn't deserve better than she's got, should be grateful she has him, etc. etc. and in her case, that is why she went back again and again. he broke her emotionally. so much so that she only felt 'happy' when she was in this abusive relationship, because he indoctrinated that into her. please, please, please don't make the same mistake. you are so much better than him. you deserve better, you are better! all you need to do is believe this and build up your self-esteem. it's hard, but you can do it. lotsa love!!!
Sylvia,
I came across your blog this morning through a mutual blogger friend. I have not had the time to read all of your musings, but I like what I have read so far, and I can feel your sorrow AND your stregnth. I am the mother of an alcoholic/addict, as well as the wife, daughter and sister of one. I am finally after 18 years in an emotionally abusive relationship, am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic husband. I just wanted to say hello and will come back to read more of your journey. Your mantra is dead on... one day at a time, my friend. You are not alone.
~kel
My therapist likes to simply say, "It will come..." Sometimes those are just the right words when things seem to be happening in a jumble without rhyme or reason. They do seem to sort out in the end if we just let them.
Just take it easy and be kind to yourself. Yes, you deserve to be happy.
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