Bruises

written by Sylvia

Bruises on her face, she covers with makeup.
Bruises on her body, she hides with turtle necks and long sleeves.
Bruises on her soul, no way to hide, will never go away.

She never knows what the day will bring, what will make him fly into a rage.
She wonders, is it something I said or did, or just because I am here.
She walks a fine line, watching her words with care, hoping he won't get mad.

People ask why she stays and this is what she says:
there are the children, I don't have a job, I can't make it on my own.
These are the reasons she believes, his control complete for now.

What she doesn't understand is the abuse is not about her but him.
His rage and anger, not hers; his failure, not hers; he is a coward, she is not.
The abuse is the control he lacks in the rest of his life and she is there.

Pain from physical abuse eases and wounds heal, leaving scars behind.
Emotional abuse hurts to the very core of your worth as a human being.
The pain in your soul is difficult to overcome, always a lingering doubt.


Copyright © 2008 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Madness Of Addiction

written by Sylvia (Double Acrostic Form)



Must you be so cunning and full of gloom?
Always lurking, with your own agenda.
Down into a hell, I will descend.
Nothing can stop the pain,
Every nerve hurting and on fire.
Slayer of souls, leaving nothing but debris.
Surrender just a second away, my extreme loss.

Outward signs of you, as you practice voodoo.
Fearful that you will take away my God, my belief.

Addict is my name, if only I had amnesia!
Doubt fills me as I try to comprehend.
Demons unleashed!
Ignorance, my soul filled with graffiti,
Captured by your aphrodisiac.
Take your goods and relent.
Impulse uncontrolled as you apply your stimuli.
Only another addict can understand, you psycho!
Never will I be free from you I portend.



Copyright © 2008 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Other Things

I have been up since 4:30 AM and catching up on my favorite blogs. So much has happened since the last time I visited them. Some of my favorites are no longer there and it makes me wonder what has happened to those people and makes me sad that I was away so long and lost touch with so many good people. I have become a recluse (lol), well not really, just lazy I think. There is so much I want to write about but don't know where to start so I will let this short paragraph suffice for today. See you soon.

Worry

Quotes I found today on Worry. I have been taking a long break from posting and reading my favorite blogs. I am about ready to join the human race again and not hide away anymore.

Wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weights you down. ~Toni Morrison

We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic. ~Cullen Hightower

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe. ~Author Unknown

Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face. ~Nelson DeMille

I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time. ~Charlie Brown (Charles Schulz)

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

If things go wrong, don't go with them. ~Roger Babson

Transition

I will be in a transition period moving from one city to another as of February 1, 2008. I will not have an internet connection for about 1 month so needless to say I won't be posting. I hope that everything is going well for all the blogger friends I have made and I will miss each and everyone of you.

Seeking Approval

Written by Sylvia

We spend much of our life seeking approval from others
Whether it’s parents, siblings, even friends or lovers
It is never a conscious decision that we make
We don’t give it much thought and that can be a mistake

It is far easier for us to submit, than ask for respect
We are paralyzed with fear that you won’t love us, I suspect
You don’t need to be afraid and if you are refused
Run as fast as you can, move on, do not be confused

You should choose wisely; for there are those when asked
Will deny the approval you seek, they’ll be unmasked
And above all please remember this, if nothing else
You don’t need approval from others to be yourself


Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Solitude

Written by Sylvia

Early morning just before dawn, my solitude time
To reflect on the past, plan for the future of mine
To think thoughts I dare not speak aloud
For they would produce dark clouds

Silence unbroken by useless words or noise
Daylight beginning to break the dawn, a time to pause
Those hours and minutes I cherish
Without them I would most certainly perish

My solitude time is ended when you awaken
And my golden silence is taken
No one to watch what I do
Question my every move

Not a soul to interrupt my silent thoughts
Alone, a solitary place, I am not distraught
I am thankful, full of gratitude
For my time of solitude



Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved
Courtesy of FreeFoto.com Photographer Ian Britton

My Grateful Day

I have been remiss in putting my grateful things into words so today is the day.

My grateful things:

God loves me and is with me in my journey through life.

I have not turned to alcohol and drugs during the turmoil in my life.

My son is HIV negative, one down and several more to go.

I have been blessed by God with food and shelter.

I wake up each morning and can function with all parts of me intact.

I have a few very good friends.

I enjoy my solitude.

I can enjoy the beautiful things in God's world.

Knowing that I will make it through this day with God's guidance.

I am grateful to be alive.

Friday Night

Friday, November 30 was quite a night in my life. My husband got drunk and called my son's home 25 or 30 times and left awful messages. The only good thing about the situation is that I now have his abusive words and threats in his own voice. I have a CD that has the messages saved so that anyone can listen to them if necessary. I also have them saved to the computer hard drive. I did find out that he has not filed the divorce papers in Indiana. I also found out today that I can file here in Arizona on or about December 17th since 90 day residency requirement will be met on that date. I talked to the local shelter legal advocacy person and they gave me the name of a paralegal that will assist me in getting the forms completed and filed here. The paralegal does not charge a fee and has been assisting people for over 16 years. I can also getting a restraining order with the address protected so my husband will still not know where I am physically located. The legal advocacy person asked me if I thought he would come here and try to find me and carry out his threats. I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Now I wait for a few more days and get the process started.

In addition to the mess in my own life, my son found out (the same night) that his partner of 18 years had been cheating for the last 4 years. He is upset to say the least. Not so much about the cheating but all the lies that has entailed in these four years. There is much more to the story but the bottom line is he is hurting and the only thing I can do for him is listen and I have been doing that. My son stood up for me with my husband and never gave me advice (which I appreciated) and I will do the same for him. This cheating is the same as between a man and a woman and with it comes a trip to the doctor for tests to ensure that no disease has been entered into the relationship. That is the first step and the results will determine the next step. In the meantime, I will be here for him.

Needless to say I am anxious about my son and his health but oddly feel some peace about me for the time being. People tell me that God never gives you more that you can handle so I have to believe that or I would go crazy.

Between the time I wrote this post and now, I have learned that if I divorce my husband I will lose 300.00 of Railroad Benefits and not regain them until his death. If I lose that money, I cannot afford the condo that I have a lease to purchase on. So I have to rethink what I am going to do. I also learned that he is aware of this as well. In addition, there have been several other episodes of his calling and leaving messages at my son's home. Both of us are considering changing our telephone numbers to stop this and then all h*** will break loose, so be it.

All Over Again

I wrote this in January 2007 when I had left for the second time and after reading it today, it fits for right now. The title I used in January was At This Moment. Ironic how things repeat themselves.

It has not been my intention to be so sad and morose in my writings on this blog. At this moment in my life there are things that I have to work through and address the grief. I have been using the blog as a way to do that. When I write, my feelings and thoughts are exposed and I am forced to deal with them. Not try to pretend they don’t exist or will simply go away.

This is a part of the healing process that I am going through. At times we all have things in our lives that have to be dealt with. How we deal with them is an individual choice. I have chosen writing for my blog and have also started to write poetry about the events in my life. It has taken every bit of courage I can muster to expose myself to the world but it is necessary. Perhaps there is someone else going through the same sort of thing in their life and if they read this, then they will know they are not alone.

I have included an email sent to a friend of mine. It was written after a day of talking about this moment in my life. The last sentence sums up how I feel about people that are a part of my life now. Please just listen to me, you don’t have to respond in anyway, just listen to me.

The email sent to a friend:

Last night after I went to bed, I felt so alone. After getting my feelings out in the open how my marriage was, no intimacy, etc. I realized how much I missed having someone next to me. Someone just hold me, give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay.

I realized how tired I am of starting my life over, dusting myself off and moving on. Putting on a happy face so no one can see the pain and doubt. Maybe it's because I am older now, but this time I have been knocked so far down, I am having a hard time getting up. Just when I think I have made progress, I let those negative feelings creep in. I am tired of taking care of myself, always have to be independent. I want someone to take care of me for a change. I am tired of making decisions alone. I am tired, well I am just tired.

People around me now, with the exception of you, my new friend, don't understand. They think I should be able to forget everything and put it away as if nothing happened and they don't take it seriously. They don't understand that grief is a part of my life for the moment and I have to work through it. Not grief over him, but grief because a part of me has died and grief because I let it happen.

I have tried to tell them the things that I have shared with you; they interrupt me and change the subject. They don't want to hear what I have to say. It embarrasses them and they don't have a clue how to respond. They don't realize, I don't need a response from them, only for them to listen so they will know me and my world at the moment.

A Prayer

This was sent to me by a very good friend and I would like to share it with you.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly.

This is my prayer. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

What Have I Done

As I sit here in my new home, I have been asking myself, What Have I Done? This question is causing a panic in me. Have I undertaken more than I can handle? Will I make it? How will I live? How will I survive? Right now I cannot answer these questions, but they must be asked. I pray for God's blessings that He has bestowed upon me and for the food and shelter He has provided. That is the most I can do now. I know with His guidance, I will be okay. This is the first time in over fifteen years that I have been on my own and undertaken such a big responsibility as buying a home. I call it a home although it is a condo because I am making it my home. Little by little, the panic will subside as it always does and I will be able to answer some of my own questions. I have a plan and as long as I follow that plan, I will make it on my own.

Things

Thanksgiving was nice especially since I am now officially in my new apartment. I got the keys on Wednesday, the 21st and moved my few things in. Went shopping on Friday and got lots of stuff for the kitchen. My son loaned me a couch to sleep on and a coffee table. Frank from downstairs loaned me a TV and I have my computer. It will take time but I am beginning to get myself settled down in my own place with my own things and peace and quite. I have not heard from my husband so I know that I will have to call or write to see if he filed the divorce papers. It is scary when I do not get a call on my cell phone even though I do not answer them. I said before when the call shows up at least I know where he is. My mood has improved and I am sleeping better. Things are definitely looking up. Thanks to God for that.

Stories

Every time I read a news story about a woman gone missing and later read the story of the recovery of her body, I flash back to my husband and think that could have been me. I also think he could never have harmed me, could he. When he was sober, he told me loved me and would take care of me. When he was drinking, I was the scum of the earth and he told me he would kill me. Mixed messages. No way to know which was the truth but I suspect the version told when he was drinking was close to the truth since he never showed any emotion when sober. I know I did the right thing by leaving so my family and friends would never have to search for me or my body. I am not being overly dramatic, that is just the truth. No matter how mild mannered I think he was sober, when he drank there was a monster that appeared and that monster was capable of murder. He put up such a good front for his friends and others that few people would believe me when I told them things he did and said. In their eyes, I was the bad guy. It is not important what they think about me, I only wish they would open their eyes and see the truth about him and realize that I was not really the bad guy, he was.

The Call

A person I thought was a friend gave my husband the telephone number for my son and of course he called and left a message. The message was he did not understand the divorce papers and if I did not call him, he would just throw them in the trash and see an attorney. The message was left Sunday night and my son waited until Monday morning to tell me (so I could sleep and not be worried). I took a shower to have time to think and then a Xanax to calm down. I decided that sooner or later I would have to talk to him so I bit the bullet and called. He was not drinking and once again says it is because right after I left, he had another near death illness. His blood was much to thin (from blood thinners and alcohol) and his liver is affected. He sounded like he did when we first met. Don't worry, I stood my ground because even though he sounds normal, I remember what happened when I returned in March of this year. I answered the question he had and tried to convince him to file the paperwork so we could finalize the divorce and move on. He wanted to talk and I wanted to end the conversation. After 20 minutes, I told a lie (that I had a doctors appointment and needed to hangup).

What I took away from the conversation is that it is still about him. His health, his car problems, his lack of money, his family, his hard times. I realized that I do not hate him nor do I love him. I do pray each night that he will find some peace and happiness in his life. I sincerely hope these things are possible for him. I also realized that I am moving forward and it was not as scary as I thought it would be to talk to him. It is this way when he is not drinking, if only he had realized this before we may have had a chance. But I cannot start the what ifs, because I have been burned one to many times and it is time for me now.