Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Call

A person I thought was a friend gave my husband the telephone number for my son and of course he called and left a message. The message was he did not understand the divorce papers and if I did not call him, he would just throw them in the trash and see an attorney. The message was left Sunday night and my son waited until Monday morning to tell me (so I could sleep and not be worried). I took a shower to have time to think and then a Xanax to calm down. I decided that sooner or later I would have to talk to him so I bit the bullet and called. He was not drinking and once again says it is because right after I left, he had another near death illness. His blood was much to thin (from blood thinners and alcohol) and his liver is affected. He sounded like he did when we first met. Don't worry, I stood my ground because even though he sounds normal, I remember what happened when I returned in March of this year. I answered the question he had and tried to convince him to file the paperwork so we could finalize the divorce and move on. He wanted to talk and I wanted to end the conversation. After 20 minutes, I told a lie (that I had a doctors appointment and needed to hangup).

What I took away from the conversation is that it is still about him. His health, his car problems, his lack of money, his family, his hard times. I realized that I do not hate him nor do I love him. I do pray each night that he will find some peace and happiness in his life. I sincerely hope these things are possible for him. I also realized that I am moving forward and it was not as scary as I thought it would be to talk to him. It is this way when he is not drinking, if only he had realized this before we may have had a chance. But I cannot start the what ifs, because I have been burned one to many times and it is time for me now.


Shadow said...

hey! that was a tough one, but you did it, you made it through. try not to think too much about the what if's. they will always be there. feasible they are not though... stay well!

pat said...

Sending my thoughts and well wishes your way. Take care of yourself.

Sober Steve said...

sounds like you are working your program

hugs and kisses