Solitude

Written by Sylvia

Early morning just before dawn, my solitude time
To reflect on the past, plan for the future of mine
To think thoughts I dare not speak aloud
For they would produce dark clouds

Silence unbroken by useless words or noise
Daylight beginning to break the dawn, a time to pause
Those hours and minutes I cherish
Without them I would most certainly perish

My solitude time is ended when you awaken
And my golden silence is taken
No one to watch what I do
Question my every move

Not a soul to interrupt my silent thoughts
Alone, a solitary place, I am not distraught
I am thankful, full of gratitude
For my time of solitude



Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved
Courtesy of FreeFoto.com Photographer Ian Britton

My Grateful Day

I have been remiss in putting my grateful things into words so today is the day.

My grateful things:

God loves me and is with me in my journey through life.

I have not turned to alcohol and drugs during the turmoil in my life.

My son is HIV negative, one down and several more to go.

I have been blessed by God with food and shelter.

I wake up each morning and can function with all parts of me intact.

I have a few very good friends.

I enjoy my solitude.

I can enjoy the beautiful things in God's world.

Knowing that I will make it through this day with God's guidance.

I am grateful to be alive.

Friday Night

Friday, November 30 was quite a night in my life. My husband got drunk and called my son's home 25 or 30 times and left awful messages. The only good thing about the situation is that I now have his abusive words and threats in his own voice. I have a CD that has the messages saved so that anyone can listen to them if necessary. I also have them saved to the computer hard drive. I did find out that he has not filed the divorce papers in Indiana. I also found out today that I can file here in Arizona on or about December 17th since 90 day residency requirement will be met on that date. I talked to the local shelter legal advocacy person and they gave me the name of a paralegal that will assist me in getting the forms completed and filed here. The paralegal does not charge a fee and has been assisting people for over 16 years. I can also getting a restraining order with the address protected so my husband will still not know where I am physically located. The legal advocacy person asked me if I thought he would come here and try to find me and carry out his threats. I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Now I wait for a few more days and get the process started.

In addition to the mess in my own life, my son found out (the same night) that his partner of 18 years had been cheating for the last 4 years. He is upset to say the least. Not so much about the cheating but all the lies that has entailed in these four years. There is much more to the story but the bottom line is he is hurting and the only thing I can do for him is listen and I have been doing that. My son stood up for me with my husband and never gave me advice (which I appreciated) and I will do the same for him. This cheating is the same as between a man and a woman and with it comes a trip to the doctor for tests to ensure that no disease has been entered into the relationship. That is the first step and the results will determine the next step. In the meantime, I will be here for him.

Needless to say I am anxious about my son and his health but oddly feel some peace about me for the time being. People tell me that God never gives you more that you can handle so I have to believe that or I would go crazy.

Between the time I wrote this post and now, I have learned that if I divorce my husband I will lose 300.00 of Railroad Benefits and not regain them until his death. If I lose that money, I cannot afford the condo that I have a lease to purchase on. So I have to rethink what I am going to do. I also learned that he is aware of this as well. In addition, there have been several other episodes of his calling and leaving messages at my son's home. Both of us are considering changing our telephone numbers to stop this and then all h*** will break loose, so be it.

All Over Again

I wrote this in January 2007 when I had left for the second time and after reading it today, it fits for right now. The title I used in January was At This Moment. Ironic how things repeat themselves.

It has not been my intention to be so sad and morose in my writings on this blog. At this moment in my life there are things that I have to work through and address the grief. I have been using the blog as a way to do that. When I write, my feelings and thoughts are exposed and I am forced to deal with them. Not try to pretend they don’t exist or will simply go away.

This is a part of the healing process that I am going through. At times we all have things in our lives that have to be dealt with. How we deal with them is an individual choice. I have chosen writing for my blog and have also started to write poetry about the events in my life. It has taken every bit of courage I can muster to expose myself to the world but it is necessary. Perhaps there is someone else going through the same sort of thing in their life and if they read this, then they will know they are not alone.

I have included an email sent to a friend of mine. It was written after a day of talking about this moment in my life. The last sentence sums up how I feel about people that are a part of my life now. Please just listen to me, you don’t have to respond in anyway, just listen to me.

The email sent to a friend:

Last night after I went to bed, I felt so alone. After getting my feelings out in the open how my marriage was, no intimacy, etc. I realized how much I missed having someone next to me. Someone just hold me, give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay.

I realized how tired I am of starting my life over, dusting myself off and moving on. Putting on a happy face so no one can see the pain and doubt. Maybe it's because I am older now, but this time I have been knocked so far down, I am having a hard time getting up. Just when I think I have made progress, I let those negative feelings creep in. I am tired of taking care of myself, always have to be independent. I want someone to take care of me for a change. I am tired of making decisions alone. I am tired, well I am just tired.

People around me now, with the exception of you, my new friend, don't understand. They think I should be able to forget everything and put it away as if nothing happened and they don't take it seriously. They don't understand that grief is a part of my life for the moment and I have to work through it. Not grief over him, but grief because a part of me has died and grief because I let it happen.

I have tried to tell them the things that I have shared with you; they interrupt me and change the subject. They don't want to hear what I have to say. It embarrasses them and they don't have a clue how to respond. They don't realize, I don't need a response from them, only for them to listen so they will know me and my world at the moment.

A Prayer

This was sent to me by a very good friend and I would like to share it with you.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly.

This is my prayer. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

What Have I Done

As I sit here in my new home, I have been asking myself, What Have I Done? This question is causing a panic in me. Have I undertaken more than I can handle? Will I make it? How will I live? How will I survive? Right now I cannot answer these questions, but they must be asked. I pray for God's blessings that He has bestowed upon me and for the food and shelter He has provided. That is the most I can do now. I know with His guidance, I will be okay. This is the first time in over fifteen years that I have been on my own and undertaken such a big responsibility as buying a home. I call it a home although it is a condo because I am making it my home. Little by little, the panic will subside as it always does and I will be able to answer some of my own questions. I have a plan and as long as I follow that plan, I will make it on my own.

Things

Thanksgiving was nice especially since I am now officially in my new apartment. I got the keys on Wednesday, the 21st and moved my few things in. Went shopping on Friday and got lots of stuff for the kitchen. My son loaned me a couch to sleep on and a coffee table. Frank from downstairs loaned me a TV and I have my computer. It will take time but I am beginning to get myself settled down in my own place with my own things and peace and quite. I have not heard from my husband so I know that I will have to call or write to see if he filed the divorce papers. It is scary when I do not get a call on my cell phone even though I do not answer them. I said before when the call shows up at least I know where he is. My mood has improved and I am sleeping better. Things are definitely looking up. Thanks to God for that.

Stories

Every time I read a news story about a woman gone missing and later read the story of the recovery of her body, I flash back to my husband and think that could have been me. I also think he could never have harmed me, could he. When he was sober, he told me loved me and would take care of me. When he was drinking, I was the scum of the earth and he told me he would kill me. Mixed messages. No way to know which was the truth but I suspect the version told when he was drinking was close to the truth since he never showed any emotion when sober. I know I did the right thing by leaving so my family and friends would never have to search for me or my body. I am not being overly dramatic, that is just the truth. No matter how mild mannered I think he was sober, when he drank there was a monster that appeared and that monster was capable of murder. He put up such a good front for his friends and others that few people would believe me when I told them things he did and said. In their eyes, I was the bad guy. It is not important what they think about me, I only wish they would open their eyes and see the truth about him and realize that I was not really the bad guy, he was.

The Call

A person I thought was a friend gave my husband the telephone number for my son and of course he called and left a message. The message was he did not understand the divorce papers and if I did not call him, he would just throw them in the trash and see an attorney. The message was left Sunday night and my son waited until Monday morning to tell me (so I could sleep and not be worried). I took a shower to have time to think and then a Xanax to calm down. I decided that sooner or later I would have to talk to him so I bit the bullet and called. He was not drinking and once again says it is because right after I left, he had another near death illness. His blood was much to thin (from blood thinners and alcohol) and his liver is affected. He sounded like he did when we first met. Don't worry, I stood my ground because even though he sounds normal, I remember what happened when I returned in March of this year. I answered the question he had and tried to convince him to file the paperwork so we could finalize the divorce and move on. He wanted to talk and I wanted to end the conversation. After 20 minutes, I told a lie (that I had a doctors appointment and needed to hangup).

What I took away from the conversation is that it is still about him. His health, his car problems, his lack of money, his family, his hard times. I realized that I do not hate him nor do I love him. I do pray each night that he will find some peace and happiness in his life. I sincerely hope these things are possible for him. I also realized that I am moving forward and it was not as scary as I thought it would be to talk to him. It is this way when he is not drinking, if only he had realized this before we may have had a chance. But I cannot start the what ifs, because I have been burned one to many times and it is time for me now.

Waiting

The divorce paperwork should be delivered today. I will know since there will be calls to my cell phone which I still do not answer. The best thing about a call coming in is that I know where he is and do not have to worry about him being close to where I am. I do not answer because I do not want to hear his voice nor what he has to say. It is not time for me to talk to him. Perhaps that will happen in the future, but at this time I would say no. I do not think that he will ever leave my life since I know his routine. He starts to drink and think, picks up the telephone and calls the person that is the object of his rage at the time. If that person does not answer the telephone, he continues to dial their number, over and over again. Occasionally he will leave a vile message and really expects an answer back. He then wonders why no one wants to talk to him. This is just a very small part of how we lived.

Alcohol makes people do and say things they would not ordinally. This statement is made from personal experience. People say that alcohol gives you the courage to express what is on your mind and what you really feel. I can do this without the alcohol and take the time to think about my words before speaking. I believe alcohol is used as an excuse to be rude and hateful to others and otherwise be a jerk. Yes, alochol is an addiction and not everyone reacts this way but far too many do. I know I did and I am truly grateful that for the past four years I have chosen not to drink.

Sad Today

I am sad today. The forms to file for divorce in my old state were mailed yesterday to my husband with instructions on how to file at no cost and no appearance in court by either of us. If all goes according to the filing requirements, by January 2008, another chapter in my life will be closed and another will begin to be written. Why am I sad? After all, I want a divorce from him. I am sad because I invested fifteen years of my life in a relationship that failed. I feel like there has been a death in the family and I need to grieve but I do not know why I would be grieving. At the store last night, every time I turned around, I saw foods that were his favorite. Each time, it was like a dagger being plunged into my heart. It is amazing how small things can create such a strong emotion in us. I am hoping that with time this will pass. The question is how much time will it take.

Silent Voice

Written by Sylvia (Input from billy rob, my teacher)

He silenced my voice so my words went unspoken
and all through those years held me down.
I dared not speak, for the cost would be hell
if my words should cause him to frown.

My opinions, thoughts, and views of this life
with me silenced, could never be spoken.
I dared not speak, for the cost would be hell
and I would be left shattered and broken.

Out of fear I gave in, never taking a stand
constantly rebuked I was silenced again.
I dared not speak, for the cost would be hell
and this I can never explain.

Living in a maze, what direction should I take
Never asking anyone’s help or advice
I dared not speak for the cost would be hell
And my way would have to suffice

I have found my voice, no longer to be silenced
No longer will I be held down
I dare now to speak, for I'm free from that hell
and I'll never again face his frown.

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Abuse is a Form of Terrorism

As I was reading the news this morning, it struck me that abuse is a form of terrorism. I had never thought of it that way. I now have an idea of how people feel who are subjected to terror everyday of their lives. Not knowing when the next attack will occur and will they survive another day. I do not intend this to demean in any way people who are affected by terrorism, it is only my observation regarding the feelings inflicted by an abuser. Each day is a struggle with highs and lows. One minute you are up and ready to conquer the world and the next minute ready to get in the corner in a fetal position and withdraw from life. Today and this minute, I am in the conquer mode and not sure how long it will last. I am getting better and I do hope that I can be whiny without someone saying, Get Over It. Until you have been there, you have no right to say that because as I said before, until it happens to you, you cannot understand what has been done to me or countless others who suffer abuse.

It helps to get these feelings out and in black and white. It makes them real so I know I am not really going crazy. My desire is that if there is a person reading this that has been abused, they will know they are not alone. There is someone who understands. Perhaps it will help them take action if they are still in an abusive situation. It is scary and it does take courage but it cannot be any more scary that staying. There are places to go and people who will help. Above all know that you are not alone.

Another Addiction

He keeps calling my cell and I will not answer. I cannot and will not talk to him now. I am afraid to. I did send an email to his friend giving him an address where a letter could be sent. It is not where I live, only where I get mail. I have prepared the papers to send him so that he can file them and we can be divorced without cost to either of us and without having to appear before the a judge. We had no property or assets to split, so it is very straightforward. If he follows the instructions, a divorce can be granted 60 days from date the first set of paperwork is filed. This is the best that I can do now.

I am still in the process of recovery and as with all addictions, it is not easy. I call it an addiction because there are withdrawal symptoms. Things I see and hear remind me of him and the past fifteen years that we spent together. I cringe when the thought creeps into my mind, I still care about him. In a way that is true. That “care” is not love nor is it hate. I can tell that this is not going to be a fast recovery but nevertheless, it will be a recovery. I write these post with the intent to cleanse my soul and aid in my recovery. The posts may sound disjointed but that is the way my mind is operating these days. Some are better than others. One day at a time is the mantra I need to repeat.

I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work with abused women once my recovery is well underway. I do not think I could do that right now. I am not sure I could be objective and reasonable with them. I did volunteer work with the Women's Shelter in my old town when it was just getting started many years ago and had to stop after several years. I stopped after receiving a call from an abused woman and I identified with her. I stopped being there just to listen and hear her. I wanted to give her advice and that was not what I was trained to do. The reason that I identified with her is that I had been in an abusive marriage at the time.

You see, it seems that I pick all the wrong men, those who abuse. I am trying to figure out why I do that. I think it has to do with lack of self esteem, feelings of being worthless and not being deserving of good treatment. I also think it has to do with desperation to have a man in my life and the mistaken belief that it was necessary in order to be a whole complete person. That is not true. I can be happy with me without anyone else being present in my life. I deserve to be happy and have a good life.

Quote

Dorothy Thompson:

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.

Escape

This is in no way intended to minimize Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). You see, I am somewhere between these two. I have never been to a war to defend our country, only a war to defend myself. You cannot imagine the stress caused by someone standing over you with a knife saying, “I will kill you” if you do not do what I say. You cannot imagine being told how easy it would be to kill you while you sleep. You cannot imagine what it is like to be told, “I will stab you in the back and ram the knife all the way through to your chest while you sleep”. You cannot imagine what is feels like to have someone attempt to choke you. You cannot imagine what is feels like to be kicked, pushed, shoved, hit, hair pulled, knocked down, yelled at, told how worthless and rotten you are. You cannot imagine what it is like to be told “I will hunt you down and kill you, if you leave”. You cannot imagine the fear I felt and still feel at times. I do not have to imagine, because these things happened to me.

On September 14, 2007, I found the courage to escape for the third and final time. I will never go back to these things, no matter what. I will not be taken in again by his cunning ways. And if he does hunt me down and kill me so be it. I am not completely free of these things today, but it will not be long before I am. All things take time and I have time.

Grateful Day

Even though I am grateful everyday, I haven't expressed the things I am grateful for in writing for a while. So today is going to be the day I do so.

As always the first thing on the list, God loves me no matter what and forgives me.

My faith in God.

Hope and courage.

For my life.

When I wake up in the morning that I have been blessed with another day on God’s earth.

That I do not drink on this day.

My mother saw me clean and sober before she passed away.

That I have food and shelter.

That I will survive this turmoil and become stronger.

For “Poi Dog”, my son's Chihuahua.

Bil and Larry.

Good weather.

Blog friends.

Domestic Violence

Abuse takes many forms. It can be physical, emotional/verbal. Typically, the hurt from physical abuse eases and wounds heal, sometimes leaving behind scars on your body. The wounds from emotional/verbal abuse are harder to heal. It hurts to the very core of your being and kills your self-esteem, fills you with doubts as to your worth as a human being. No matter hard you try to overcome the pain in your soul, there is always that lingering doubt deep inside. How do I know? I have been in two abusive relationships in my life and I am trying my best to overcome these feelings. There are so many feelings inside me: anger at myself for letting it happen again, anger at him for feeling that he could do those things to me, doubt that I did all I could to get help to save our marriage and get us help, doubt that I am really a good person, did I do something to deserve this treatment, what is wrong with me, why do I still care about him, did I do the right thing by leaving, how will he survive. The list goes on. Even though I am no longer in the situation, I am still letting him control me by worrying about how he will survive and get by, will he find me and make good on his threat to kill me, how will I make it without him.

People wonder why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. Many times, it is because she is not financially able to survive on her own, especially if there are children. She has been beaten so far down that she feels she cannot make it on her own. There are shelters but you can only stay there for so long. You have to think about a job, a place to live, food, divorce, becoming self sufficient, living again, rebuilding your self-esteem, making new friends. It is especially difficult if you are my age, 64. Most agencies are designed to work for younger women with children and do not know what to do or how to help an older adult woman. We have the same things to overcome as a younger woman and in many cases more since we stayed much longer than they did. We grew up in a society that said you stayed married no matter what happened, for better or worse.

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, be there for them to talk if they need to, do not push them to leave but gently let them know you will help them if that time comes, support them however you can. Above all, unless you have been abused yourself, do not tell them you know how they feel, because you cannot know that. You can only imagine.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
http://www.ndvh.org/
Break the silence, make the call

Sorry

I have been missing in action due to personal issues in my life. I neglected the friends I met through my blogs and that I regret and apologize to each of you. The personal issues caused me to sink into depression and anxiety and withdraw from life for a while. I have begun the process of resolving those issues and getting back to life. I will be visiting and catching up with what is going on in your lives.

Despair

I posted this on my poetry blog and decided to post it here for those of you who may not read the poetry blog.

Written by Sylvia

The depths of despair have taken my soul in their clutches
Ripped apart, turned inside out, cast aside with hard touches
My soul has been lost forever to the depths of despair
Frightening thoughts fill my soul, it is beyond all repair

A revelation so painful, to confront the dark side of my being
It has me questioning my sanity and I feel like fleeing
To escape the madness that overcomes my mind
Fighting my way through the debris left behind

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Memories

When I started this blog, I was going to rehash all the things I did when while drinking and taking drugs. As I wrote the first several posts, the memories became to painful and brought back shame of those things. I have decided that it is not necessary to bare my soul since those things are in the past and I am now living in the present, one day at a time. As addicts, we have all done things that we are not proud of and sometimes nothing useful can be gained by telling them. What is true is that we have for this day stopped that behavior and struggle each day of sobriety to not do them again. For people who have never had an addiction, please know that it is a struggle for those of us who are addicts. I still see things related to drugs on television that bring back feelings that I thought had been dealt with and disposed of. Sometimes a smell, like the smell of a match burning that trigger feelings of getting high. I am terrified of needles now and it is a real struggle when I have to have a blood test or and IV. The memory of the high is so vivid at times, that it scares me to death. What I do know is that I am so thankful that for the present, I am clean and with the guidance of God intend to stay that way.

Grateful

I have been taking a vacation from thinking and using my brain for the last month and that hasn’t gotten me anywhere except closer to dying from boredom. I am happy to report that my son and I continue to communicate and actually are getting along for the time being. His birthday is tomorrow, June 21st and for his birthday, he and his partner have bought a condominium and close on it on his birthday. They have been together for over seventeen years and I am happy that they have gotten the condominium. I am grateful that they get along and stay together through thick and thin.

I am grateful that I have remained sober even though the past months have been full of turmoil and trouble. I am grateful that I have chosen not to drink or use drugs to deal with these issues. I am grateful that I no longer have hangovers. I am grateful that God loves me. I am grateful for the blessings He has bestowed upon me, the food and shelter that He has provided. I am just grateful period.

Remiss in Writing

I have been remiss in writing for the past week and have shut myself off from the world and those in it. No particular reason, just have not had the energy to think. I have had numerous conversations with my son and things are as good as they can be. What matters the most is that we are talking after so much silence. We have normal conversations, no yelling, screaming, cursing. Just good conversation between two people. I am thankful for this.

My hand is getting worse and it is getting harder to type. I cannot feel the keyboard with the little finger and ring finger on my left hand so it takes a little longer to type. I am also loosing the little strength I had left in that arm and am not sure why. As I said before, I am thankful that I have my hands and arms regardless of the problems.

I am thankful for all those who have died serving our country in time of war and honor them today.

Results of Nerve Test (Repeated)

(This is a repeat of my post today on Life in General and Other Things.)

I had the dreaded nerve test on Thursday of last week. The good news is that the doctor did not use needles, only electrodes and a “stun gun”. At least it looked like a stun gun to me. He used that device to “shoot” electrical current through the nerves to see if there was any interruption in the nerve. The bad news is that the ulnar nerve in my left arm is pinched/compressed at the elbow. The first course of treatment is therapy which begins June 5th. If the nerve cannot be decompressed with therapy, the next course of treatment will be surgery so that the nerve will not be permanently damaged. In the meantime, I am not supposed to use the left arm any more than necessary and to keep it straight as much as possible. If you have never tried to do that, take it from me, it is next to impossible to do. To make it even worse, I am left-handed.

After reading the news this morning, I can say that I am thankful that I have my arms even with the pinched nerve. I read a story about a young mother who contracted a flesh eating bacteria immediately after giving birth and lost both arms and legs in order to live. So no matter how bad a situation you are in seems to be, there is always someone in a worse situation.

Alone and Empty

So alone and filled with emptiness
No one to comfort me
Hold me in their arms, give me a hug
Whisper in my ear, things will be okay

Weary of starting my life over
Dusting myself off, moving on
Smiling, the pain and doubt still there
Making their home in my heart and soul

Beaten so far down this time, defeated
I struggle to find my way back up
Just when I take a step ahead
Pain and doubt come back to visit me

Weary of taking care of myself
Hear my plea; take care of me for now
Weary of making decisions alone
I am weary, well I am just weary

Others do not understand, my friend
They think I should forget
Pretend that nothing happened to me
My life not taken seriously

No appreciation for the grief I feel
Not grief over him or the marriage
Grief because a part of my soul has died
And grief because I let it happen.

No one to listen to my feelings
Or the words I speak from my heart
Embarrassment is their reaction
They turn away from me speechless

Can’t they realize that at this time in my life
No response or advice is needed
My longing, please someone hear my voice
Know my world at the moment, alone and empty

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day was okay. My son and I had another couple of conversations and he actually wished me a Happy Mother’s Day, for the first time in years. It actually made me feel good and gives me hope that perhaps we are in a process that will allow us to work out our differences. That is what I would like to happen. But for the time being I am going to let him take the lead and not try to force the issue. Right now we are taking baby steps. My mother was on my mind yesterday. It is hard for me to realize that she died five years ago, May 3, 2002. After all that time, I still find myself ready to pick up the telephone to call her. I wrote this back in February and posted it on my other blog. I thought it was worth reposting for Mother’s Day.

This is for my mother, Ethelyne Inez (Becky) Reynolds, April 3, 1921 – May 3, 2002.

I never realized how strong my mother was until she passed away and I took a good look at our lives. She worked hard and was the glue that held our family together for many years. My father stopped drinking when I was thirteen and by then the damage to our family was evident. She never stopped loving him and stood by him through all the trials and tribulations of their life. She continued to work and she supported him in all that he chose to do. Even if it meant moving again and we did several more times. Divorce is a word that I never heard mentioned in our home. She stayed beside him until he passed away.

As she grew older, I had expectations of her that she could no longer fulfill. I expected her to do the things she did when I was growing up. I expected her to cook meals, clean the house, bake pies and cakes and all the other things she did. I did not see her as growing older, I saw my mother as she use to be. I began to realize how my mother felt as I aged and started to slow down myself. My expectations were too high for her to meet. I thought about these things for many months and knew I had to tell her what I had come to realize and ask her to forgive me for setting those expectations for her. To tell her that I understood why she could not do the things I expected of her. Although she had her share of illnesses, her health was okay in 2001 and she moved to Tennessee to live with my sister. I delayed telling her the things I needed to say. Thursday, May 2, 2002 came around and for some reason I knew I had to talk to her and tell her how I felt. I delayed once again and intended to call her on Friday morning.

A good friend of ours dropped by for a visit that morning. We sat at the kitchen table, talking and the telephone rang. I answered and my sister said I do not know how to tell you, but mother died in her sleep last night.

What I am trying to say by writing this is do not put off talking to a loved one when you know you must. Make it a priority to talk, do not delay for any reason, no matter how important you think it may be. Nothing is as important as telling someone you love how you feel and to say you are sorry or whatever it may be you have to say. Since then I have talked to her, even though she is no longer here. My only regret is that I did not say those things to her before she died. I know that she heard me and I have found peace in that.

The Last Week

If by chance you read my other blog, Life in General and Other Things, you know that I have a small problem with my fingers (numb from a pinched nerve) and allergies so I have not been writing or posting for the last week. In addition, I have not been in a very good place mentally for the last week. It took a comment from Scout to jar me out of the “funk” I am in. She simply asked how I was and that she missed my posts. Thank you Scout. I wish there was another word to use other than “I” since it seems so self-centered to continually use “I” but I have not found another word for “I”. (Here “I” go again.) For the past week it has been difficult for me to be positive about life and the things going on in mine now and I did not want to get better. I wanted to wallow in self-pity and did. How’s that for being honest. I did not want anyone to tell me things will get better and that things will work out. I know they will and I know that they will work themselves out. Now with that said and out of the way, I am going to do better and get back into my routine of writing and working through issues. My son and I are not on the best of terms and just this week we actually “talked” using IM. It is strange that we can talk this way rather than when face to face, but at least we talked. That is a good thing and I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful that God loves me and I am alive. I am grateful that with time, all things get better. I am grateful that no matter how “down” and depressed I get, I do not drink nor use drugs. I know this is a short list of things to be grateful for today but that is it for now.

An Admission

I am going to digress a bit. I have been drug (illegal drugs) free since 1985 and alcohol free since 2002. I cannot tell you the number of days or the exact date I became clean, I just know that I am. I never voiced out loud the fact that I am an addict and an alcoholic until 2007. I was ashamed and afraid that people would think less of me if they knew and I was afraid that I would lose my job. Since I was in denial about my addictions, when I did stop, I did it alone and that was wrong. I should have gone to AA or gotten help from some source. But being the stubborn, bull headed person I was, I had to be strong and do it by myself to prove to me that I could overcome those addictions. How’s that for being egotistical. I have never been a person that could ask for help when I really needed it. I had a persona to maintain as being the strong one because everyone told me I was the strong one. If I asked for help they would see me as weak and I could not let that happen. We all need help and encouragement from people who understand addictions and only someone that has an addiction can understand the feelings we have. What I am trying to say is do not go it alone, reach out for help and support.

Not Writing For A Few Days

I have not been in the mood to write in the past few days. We had another police officer killed in the line of duty this week. It came only a few hours after the candlelight vigil marking the one year anniversary of the last officer killed. Both of these officers were in their early thirties and from all the tributes and comments were a credit to the police force and the community.

My Grateful Day

Today is my grateful day because I need to remind myself. As always the first thing on the list:

I am grateful that God loves me no matter what.

I am grateful that spring is here and the weather is warmer.

I am grateful for my life.

I am grateful for the squirrel I saw sitting in a tree, eating an acorn.

I am grateful when I wake up in the morning that I have been blessed with another day on God’s earth.

I am grateful that I do not drink on this day.

I am grateful that my mother saw me clean and sober before she passed away.

I am grateful for “Confetteria Raffaello Almond Coconut Treats by Ferrero (Pure Pleasure without Chocolate)”.

I am grateful for the Planet Earth Series on Discovery Channel.

I am grateful that I am “green”.

Digression - Be Honest

This is not really about my addictions and then again, maybe it is. I wrote it several months ago and have not posted it on my other blog. For some reason, I felt today that I should post it on my addictions blog.

Being Honest

Any challenges I have are merely passing events, and all really is well in my world.By Louise Hay

For me this quote should read, Any challenges I have are merely passing events, and all is beginning to go well in my world.

I have tried to convince others and myself that all is well by putting a positive spin on every thing I write and say about my life. I thought that perhaps by doing that, it would make everything okay. I am tried of glossing over my existence and lying to myself and to you that all is well. The truth is that I know I am still a mess. One other truth is that I have to keep working until all really is well in my world.

If I quit lying about how my life is going and be brutally honest, then perhaps I can work through the decisions that I have to make and not be afraid to make them or offend the people around me. The people around me are the biggest reason that not all is well in my world. I know that I have a choice to stay or to go. My choice is to go. Maybe then I will have what I pray for every night, peace in my soul.

I put up a good front by smiling, pretending, and not telling the truth about my life. I have been married multiple times and each time those marriages failed. I share in the responsibility for the failures in that I found people I thought I could fix and turn them into my perfect mate. No one is perfect, most of all me, and another person sure cannot make anyone else perfect. I suppose I wanted the little white cottage with a picket fence and they do not exist. As with everything in life, you have to build that cottage and keep working on it so that is stays in good repair. If you do not work on the cottage, then it will fall into disrepair and become inhabitable. My cottages became inhabitable.

I was an enabler in my marriages. I gave my husbands the permission, in fact, I give that permission to everyone, to treat me anyway they wanted to. I gave them material things so that they would love me. What I did not realize at the time was that they should love me for me and not what I gave them. I think that part of the problem stems from my childhood in that I never felt loved or wanted by my parents (here we go again, blaming the parents). I know that they loved me because I was their child, which is different than loving me for me. I am no different from others, I need to be loved and needed. This is not to say that I have to have someone in my life since I am content without that and I enjoy being by myself.

Quotes:

You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of. By Jim Rohn

Depression loses its power when fresh vision pierces the darkness. By Peter Sinclair

Most of the time I like myself but at times I can’t stand me, especially when I am weak and indecisive and afraid to offend others by not speaking the truth about what I want to do with my life. This is a bad habit developed over years and years and one that is hard for me to break. Perhaps this is the cause of all the anger written about in another post. I was angry at myself; therefore, I became angry at everything and everyone. I have gone too far in the opposite direction by being too passive and not getting angry at anything or anyone. I keep all those feelings locked behind a wall, because I do not want to offend. I have to find the middle ground. I know now why people did not like me very much. It was because I did not like me and if I did not like me, then how can others.
I have always kept my true feelings bottled up for fear that, if anyone knew how I really felt, they would not like me or want me around. Here is that needy feeling again. I always felt that when people “needed me” it was because they wanted me to do something for them. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I want to be needed just because. I want to be needed just to be there for them, not because they want something.

The Mix

Shortly after that episode, I once again left this marriage and moved on. There was so much more that happened in that relationship that it would take me a very long time to go into the details. It was not a good thing and there are no good memories from it. None at all. After this marriage ended, I added drugs to the mix.

(This is an excerpt from a blog entry that I never posted).
I “cut loose” at the age of 27 that I could do the things I felt I had been cheated out of during my childhood and early adulthood. I felt I had missed so much by having to be an adult when I was only a child. When he was seven, I left him at my mothers to live and he stayed there until the age of thirteen. BIG MISTAKE!!!! During that time, I still had contact with him and would visit often but because of the things that I was doing at the time, I couldn’t have him live with me. I felt so much guilt over leaving him with my mother, that I used material things to buy his love and never said no to him. Another big mistake because he became so use to that solution he feels it should continue today.

I have apologized to him many times and asked for his forgiveness for the damage that I caused and he still will not let go of the past. He will not accept any responsibility for his actions, mistakes or failures. It is always someone else who is to blame. Maybe it is because it is easier to blame others than to feel you have failed.

The thing that makes me want to cry is that I see so much of myself in him before I made changes in my life. The anger, drinking too much, blaming others for my mistakes and failures, the list could on. When I look in the mirror, I see my son as I was before.
(End of excerpt)

I had made friends with several people that I worked with and eventually moved in with them. I started out smoking pot. We always had the best because one of my “friends” boyfriends was dealing and he would not settle for anything less than the best. How’s that for being discriminating. We also were able to get diet pills called “black beauties” that would keep you up for a couple of days. There is always “the doctor” in a town that will write the script for you.

The Beginning

This will be an ongoing journal and a post may seem to stop in the middle or at the wrong place, but will continue in the next. I hope that I do not bore you with these details but they are a part of the madness of my addictions.

I did not start drinking until I was 21 years old. I do not remember ever sneaking a drink from my parent’s glasses when they had a gathering. In fact, I do not remember doing much of anything before I was 21 except working hard and having to be an adult even though I was only a child. I do remember my father drinking from the time I was three until I was thirteen. It is not a pleasant memory. I suppose you could say I followed in his footsteps.

When I started drinking, I went straight for the hard stuff, bypassed the beer completely (did not like the way it tasted). I remember going to a Christmas party at my boss’s home and drinking things I cannot even pronounce and smoking a cigarette. On the way home, my first husband hit me in the mouth, not because I drank alcohol but because I smoked a cigarette. When we reached home and he went to sleep, I called my parents to come and get my son and me. I left that day and never went back. I divorced him and “moved” on to the next abusive man. It is strange how I always seem to choose the abusive man. I never saw my father physically abuse my mother so I do not know why I choose them. Maybe it was or is some deep-seated emotion or feeling that I needed to be punished for something I did. I know that is not true but that is how I suppose I felt at the time.

I met my second husband through a friend (some friend). Guess what he did for a living. He worked in a liquor store. We partied hard, he encouraged me to try all kinds of liquor, and I did. At that time, my choice was gin. He also taught me that it was best not to mix the alcohol with anything since it was the mix that would make you sick. I learned the lesson well. As I said in the first post, I was the best at my addiction and gave it my all. I progressed to the point that I drank over a fifth a day and hid it well. No one knew, except my husband since he provided the liquor, that I was drinking that much. I worked everyday, never drank at work, and kept up appearances. You have to remember this was in the 60’s and things were a lot different then. I got a break and did not work for several years and during that period, I would get up and have a breakfast of gin and tonic. I would drink all day and into the night. Every day.

We lived together and had to pretend we were married and we eventually did get married. As I said before I was a mean drunk and so was he. We had physical fights; I still have the scars to prove it. The more we fought, the more I drank to drowned out the feelings I had. I remember how bad the hangovers were. I remember how I lied and denied, said hurtful things to people, how I hurt inside and how I continued to drink more and more thinking I could drown out the feelings. I also ignored my child and my family. Nothing was important to me except, the drinking. On my 27th birthday, I drank so much gin and tonic and martinis that I was violently ill that night. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor with my head hung over the commode and vomiting until I thought I would died. The result of this episode was that I never drank gin again but started drinking whiskey.

My “Quit Smoking” Blog Journal (Renamed My Addictions)

I was going to stop smoking on Sunday and started this journal. I did not stop as of today. I found another excuse to continue. I wanted to post this so that my blog friends in recovery will know that if I say to them, I understand, I do because I am in recovery as well. As time goes on, I will share more about my addictions and as you can see in the third paragraph, I have had many of them. The first addiction was alcohol. I started drinking alcohol at the age of 21 and continued until the age of 60. ( I will be 64 in August of this year.) I started drinking to avoid my life and the problem with that was it did not work, but I continued drinking anyway. As my other addictions developed, the alcohol stayed. As I stopped one, I continued to drink and found something else to go along with it. I was a mean drunk and the cost was high.

Day One - Sunday, April 8, 2007

I have decided, once again, that I will quit smoking. I know all the reasons why I must quit, but the truth is I really do not want to. However, I am quitting as of today. I only have two cigarettes left and when they are gone, out come the Commit Lozenges. I have them ready. I quit back in May of 2006 and did not smoke until September of 2006. I used the excuse of “my nerves” to start smoking again. I was going through a rough time and needed a crutch. My husband quit at the same time I did and he has weathered our problems without smoking. He is tolerating my smoking but is encouraging me to quit again. Bless him, he means well but each time he mentions my smoking, I get upset. It makes me feel like I am weak that I cannot give up cigarettes and that is far from the truth. As I said the truth is, I just do not want to quit.

I thought that perhaps by writing in a journal and expressing my feelings about quitting and sharing them with my blog friends, I would have success. We will see if this works. I think that if I share with the “world”, I will be too embarrassed to admit failure. Maybe, maybe not.

I have been told that I have an “addictive personality” and did some research and if there really is such a thing, I am a perfect example. I have had many addictions in my life. Alcohol, drugs, reckless spending, gambling, smoking. As I manage to stop one addiction, I find something to replace it. My addictions are a way of avoiding the truth of my life, a way to dull the pain and hurt I feel, to deny they exist. That is how I see smoking. It is my “addiction” of choice now. I have a problem understanding how I can not drink alcohol, not use drugs, stop spending, stop gambling but I cannot quit smoking. Is it because I think it is the least harmful of my addictions and that I cannot find another one to take its place? Addiction is a lifelong struggle. I give my all to addictions just as I do with everything I undertake in life. I am the best at each of them. As I sit here typing, I feel that perhaps people will think, how trite, only smoking, that is not a “real” addiction. I would beg to differ since I know what addiction is. Addiction never goes away. It is something that you manage from day to day.

I have just reread the first paragraph and have mixed feelings about the last few lines. I think the real truth is that if I give up this addiction, I will have to face the pain and hurt and can no longer deny them. I have done a very good job of hiding them all these years.