Another Addiction

He keeps calling my cell and I will not answer. I cannot and will not talk to him now. I am afraid to. I did send an email to his friend giving him an address where a letter could be sent. It is not where I live, only where I get mail. I have prepared the papers to send him so that he can file them and we can be divorced without cost to either of us and without having to appear before the a judge. We had no property or assets to split, so it is very straightforward. If he follows the instructions, a divorce can be granted 60 days from date the first set of paperwork is filed. This is the best that I can do now.

I am still in the process of recovery and as with all addictions, it is not easy. I call it an addiction because there are withdrawal symptoms. Things I see and hear remind me of him and the past fifteen years that we spent together. I cringe when the thought creeps into my mind, I still care about him. In a way that is true. That “care” is not love nor is it hate. I can tell that this is not going to be a fast recovery but nevertheless, it will be a recovery. I write these post with the intent to cleanse my soul and aid in my recovery. The posts may sound disjointed but that is the way my mind is operating these days. Some are better than others. One day at a time is the mantra I need to repeat.

I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work with abused women once my recovery is well underway. I do not think I could do that right now. I am not sure I could be objective and reasonable with them. I did volunteer work with the Women's Shelter in my old town when it was just getting started many years ago and had to stop after several years. I stopped after receiving a call from an abused woman and I identified with her. I stopped being there just to listen and hear her. I wanted to give her advice and that was not what I was trained to do. The reason that I identified with her is that I had been in an abusive marriage at the time.

You see, it seems that I pick all the wrong men, those who abuse. I am trying to figure out why I do that. I think it has to do with lack of self esteem, feelings of being worthless and not being deserving of good treatment. I also think it has to do with desperation to have a man in my life and the mistaken belief that it was necessary in order to be a whole complete person. That is not true. I can be happy with me without anyone else being present in my life. I deserve to be happy and have a good life.

Quote

Dorothy Thompson:

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.

Escape

This is in no way intended to minimize Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). You see, I am somewhere between these two. I have never been to a war to defend our country, only a war to defend myself. You cannot imagine the stress caused by someone standing over you with a knife saying, “I will kill you” if you do not do what I say. You cannot imagine being told how easy it would be to kill you while you sleep. You cannot imagine what it is like to be told, “I will stab you in the back and ram the knife all the way through to your chest while you sleep”. You cannot imagine what is feels like to have someone attempt to choke you. You cannot imagine what is feels like to be kicked, pushed, shoved, hit, hair pulled, knocked down, yelled at, told how worthless and rotten you are. You cannot imagine what it is like to be told “I will hunt you down and kill you, if you leave”. You cannot imagine the fear I felt and still feel at times. I do not have to imagine, because these things happened to me.

On September 14, 2007, I found the courage to escape for the third and final time. I will never go back to these things, no matter what. I will not be taken in again by his cunning ways. And if he does hunt me down and kill me so be it. I am not completely free of these things today, but it will not be long before I am. All things take time and I have time.

Grateful Day

Even though I am grateful everyday, I haven't expressed the things I am grateful for in writing for a while. So today is going to be the day I do so.

As always the first thing on the list, God loves me no matter what and forgives me.

My faith in God.

Hope and courage.

For my life.

When I wake up in the morning that I have been blessed with another day on God’s earth.

That I do not drink on this day.

My mother saw me clean and sober before she passed away.

That I have food and shelter.

That I will survive this turmoil and become stronger.

For “Poi Dog”, my son's Chihuahua.

Bil and Larry.

Good weather.

Blog friends.

Domestic Violence

Abuse takes many forms. It can be physical, emotional/verbal. Typically, the hurt from physical abuse eases and wounds heal, sometimes leaving behind scars on your body. The wounds from emotional/verbal abuse are harder to heal. It hurts to the very core of your being and kills your self-esteem, fills you with doubts as to your worth as a human being. No matter hard you try to overcome the pain in your soul, there is always that lingering doubt deep inside. How do I know? I have been in two abusive relationships in my life and I am trying my best to overcome these feelings. There are so many feelings inside me: anger at myself for letting it happen again, anger at him for feeling that he could do those things to me, doubt that I did all I could to get help to save our marriage and get us help, doubt that I am really a good person, did I do something to deserve this treatment, what is wrong with me, why do I still care about him, did I do the right thing by leaving, how will he survive. The list goes on. Even though I am no longer in the situation, I am still letting him control me by worrying about how he will survive and get by, will he find me and make good on his threat to kill me, how will I make it without him.

People wonder why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. Many times, it is because she is not financially able to survive on her own, especially if there are children. She has been beaten so far down that she feels she cannot make it on her own. There are shelters but you can only stay there for so long. You have to think about a job, a place to live, food, divorce, becoming self sufficient, living again, rebuilding your self-esteem, making new friends. It is especially difficult if you are my age, 64. Most agencies are designed to work for younger women with children and do not know what to do or how to help an older adult woman. We have the same things to overcome as a younger woman and in many cases more since we stayed much longer than they did. We grew up in a society that said you stayed married no matter what happened, for better or worse.

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, be there for them to talk if they need to, do not push them to leave but gently let them know you will help them if that time comes, support them however you can. Above all, unless you have been abused yourself, do not tell them you know how they feel, because you cannot know that. You can only imagine.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
http://www.ndvh.org/
Break the silence, make the call

Sorry

I have been missing in action due to personal issues in my life. I neglected the friends I met through my blogs and that I regret and apologize to each of you. The personal issues caused me to sink into depression and anxiety and withdraw from life for a while. I have begun the process of resolving those issues and getting back to life. I will be visiting and catching up with what is going on in your lives.

Despair

I posted this on my poetry blog and decided to post it here for those of you who may not read the poetry blog.

Written by Sylvia

The depths of despair have taken my soul in their clutches
Ripped apart, turned inside out, cast aside with hard touches
My soul has been lost forever to the depths of despair
Frightening thoughts fill my soul, it is beyond all repair

A revelation so painful, to confront the dark side of my being
It has me questioning my sanity and I feel like fleeing
To escape the madness that overcomes my mind
Fighting my way through the debris left behind

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Memories

When I started this blog, I was going to rehash all the things I did when while drinking and taking drugs. As I wrote the first several posts, the memories became to painful and brought back shame of those things. I have decided that it is not necessary to bare my soul since those things are in the past and I am now living in the present, one day at a time. As addicts, we have all done things that we are not proud of and sometimes nothing useful can be gained by telling them. What is true is that we have for this day stopped that behavior and struggle each day of sobriety to not do them again. For people who have never had an addiction, please know that it is a struggle for those of us who are addicts. I still see things related to drugs on television that bring back feelings that I thought had been dealt with and disposed of. Sometimes a smell, like the smell of a match burning that trigger feelings of getting high. I am terrified of needles now and it is a real struggle when I have to have a blood test or and IV. The memory of the high is so vivid at times, that it scares me to death. What I do know is that I am so thankful that for the present, I am clean and with the guidance of God intend to stay that way.

Grateful

I have been taking a vacation from thinking and using my brain for the last month and that hasn’t gotten me anywhere except closer to dying from boredom. I am happy to report that my son and I continue to communicate and actually are getting along for the time being. His birthday is tomorrow, June 21st and for his birthday, he and his partner have bought a condominium and close on it on his birthday. They have been together for over seventeen years and I am happy that they have gotten the condominium. I am grateful that they get along and stay together through thick and thin.

I am grateful that I have remained sober even though the past months have been full of turmoil and trouble. I am grateful that I have chosen not to drink or use drugs to deal with these issues. I am grateful that I no longer have hangovers. I am grateful that God loves me. I am grateful for the blessings He has bestowed upon me, the food and shelter that He has provided. I am just grateful period.

Remiss in Writing

I have been remiss in writing for the past week and have shut myself off from the world and those in it. No particular reason, just have not had the energy to think. I have had numerous conversations with my son and things are as good as they can be. What matters the most is that we are talking after so much silence. We have normal conversations, no yelling, screaming, cursing. Just good conversation between two people. I am thankful for this.

My hand is getting worse and it is getting harder to type. I cannot feel the keyboard with the little finger and ring finger on my left hand so it takes a little longer to type. I am also loosing the little strength I had left in that arm and am not sure why. As I said before, I am thankful that I have my hands and arms regardless of the problems.

I am thankful for all those who have died serving our country in time of war and honor them today.

Results of Nerve Test (Repeated)

(This is a repeat of my post today on Life in General and Other Things.)

I had the dreaded nerve test on Thursday of last week. The good news is that the doctor did not use needles, only electrodes and a “stun gun”. At least it looked like a stun gun to me. He used that device to “shoot” electrical current through the nerves to see if there was any interruption in the nerve. The bad news is that the ulnar nerve in my left arm is pinched/compressed at the elbow. The first course of treatment is therapy which begins June 5th. If the nerve cannot be decompressed with therapy, the next course of treatment will be surgery so that the nerve will not be permanently damaged. In the meantime, I am not supposed to use the left arm any more than necessary and to keep it straight as much as possible. If you have never tried to do that, take it from me, it is next to impossible to do. To make it even worse, I am left-handed.

After reading the news this morning, I can say that I am thankful that I have my arms even with the pinched nerve. I read a story about a young mother who contracted a flesh eating bacteria immediately after giving birth and lost both arms and legs in order to live. So no matter how bad a situation you are in seems to be, there is always someone in a worse situation.

Alone and Empty

So alone and filled with emptiness
No one to comfort me
Hold me in their arms, give me a hug
Whisper in my ear, things will be okay

Weary of starting my life over
Dusting myself off, moving on
Smiling, the pain and doubt still there
Making their home in my heart and soul

Beaten so far down this time, defeated
I struggle to find my way back up
Just when I take a step ahead
Pain and doubt come back to visit me

Weary of taking care of myself
Hear my plea; take care of me for now
Weary of making decisions alone
I am weary, well I am just weary

Others do not understand, my friend
They think I should forget
Pretend that nothing happened to me
My life not taken seriously

No appreciation for the grief I feel
Not grief over him or the marriage
Grief because a part of my soul has died
And grief because I let it happen.

No one to listen to my feelings
Or the words I speak from my heart
Embarrassment is their reaction
They turn away from me speechless

Can’t they realize that at this time in my life
No response or advice is needed
My longing, please someone hear my voice
Know my world at the moment, alone and empty

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day was okay. My son and I had another couple of conversations and he actually wished me a Happy Mother’s Day, for the first time in years. It actually made me feel good and gives me hope that perhaps we are in a process that will allow us to work out our differences. That is what I would like to happen. But for the time being I am going to let him take the lead and not try to force the issue. Right now we are taking baby steps. My mother was on my mind yesterday. It is hard for me to realize that she died five years ago, May 3, 2002. After all that time, I still find myself ready to pick up the telephone to call her. I wrote this back in February and posted it on my other blog. I thought it was worth reposting for Mother’s Day.

This is for my mother, Ethelyne Inez (Becky) Reynolds, April 3, 1921 – May 3, 2002.

I never realized how strong my mother was until she passed away and I took a good look at our lives. She worked hard and was the glue that held our family together for many years. My father stopped drinking when I was thirteen and by then the damage to our family was evident. She never stopped loving him and stood by him through all the trials and tribulations of their life. She continued to work and she supported him in all that he chose to do. Even if it meant moving again and we did several more times. Divorce is a word that I never heard mentioned in our home. She stayed beside him until he passed away.

As she grew older, I had expectations of her that she could no longer fulfill. I expected her to do the things she did when I was growing up. I expected her to cook meals, clean the house, bake pies and cakes and all the other things she did. I did not see her as growing older, I saw my mother as she use to be. I began to realize how my mother felt as I aged and started to slow down myself. My expectations were too high for her to meet. I thought about these things for many months and knew I had to tell her what I had come to realize and ask her to forgive me for setting those expectations for her. To tell her that I understood why she could not do the things I expected of her. Although she had her share of illnesses, her health was okay in 2001 and she moved to Tennessee to live with my sister. I delayed telling her the things I needed to say. Thursday, May 2, 2002 came around and for some reason I knew I had to talk to her and tell her how I felt. I delayed once again and intended to call her on Friday morning.

A good friend of ours dropped by for a visit that morning. We sat at the kitchen table, talking and the telephone rang. I answered and my sister said I do not know how to tell you, but mother died in her sleep last night.

What I am trying to say by writing this is do not put off talking to a loved one when you know you must. Make it a priority to talk, do not delay for any reason, no matter how important you think it may be. Nothing is as important as telling someone you love how you feel and to say you are sorry or whatever it may be you have to say. Since then I have talked to her, even though she is no longer here. My only regret is that I did not say those things to her before she died. I know that she heard me and I have found peace in that.

The Last Week

If by chance you read my other blog, Life in General and Other Things, you know that I have a small problem with my fingers (numb from a pinched nerve) and allergies so I have not been writing or posting for the last week. In addition, I have not been in a very good place mentally for the last week. It took a comment from Scout to jar me out of the “funk” I am in. She simply asked how I was and that she missed my posts. Thank you Scout. I wish there was another word to use other than “I” since it seems so self-centered to continually use “I” but I have not found another word for “I”. (Here “I” go again.) For the past week it has been difficult for me to be positive about life and the things going on in mine now and I did not want to get better. I wanted to wallow in self-pity and did. How’s that for being honest. I did not want anyone to tell me things will get better and that things will work out. I know they will and I know that they will work themselves out. Now with that said and out of the way, I am going to do better and get back into my routine of writing and working through issues. My son and I are not on the best of terms and just this week we actually “talked” using IM. It is strange that we can talk this way rather than when face to face, but at least we talked. That is a good thing and I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful that God loves me and I am alive. I am grateful that with time, all things get better. I am grateful that no matter how “down” and depressed I get, I do not drink nor use drugs. I know this is a short list of things to be grateful for today but that is it for now.

An Admission

I am going to digress a bit. I have been drug (illegal drugs) free since 1985 and alcohol free since 2002. I cannot tell you the number of days or the exact date I became clean, I just know that I am. I never voiced out loud the fact that I am an addict and an alcoholic until 2007. I was ashamed and afraid that people would think less of me if they knew and I was afraid that I would lose my job. Since I was in denial about my addictions, when I did stop, I did it alone and that was wrong. I should have gone to AA or gotten help from some source. But being the stubborn, bull headed person I was, I had to be strong and do it by myself to prove to me that I could overcome those addictions. How’s that for being egotistical. I have never been a person that could ask for help when I really needed it. I had a persona to maintain as being the strong one because everyone told me I was the strong one. If I asked for help they would see me as weak and I could not let that happen. We all need help and encouragement from people who understand addictions and only someone that has an addiction can understand the feelings we have. What I am trying to say is do not go it alone, reach out for help and support.