All Over Again

I wrote this in January 2007 when I had left for the second time and after reading it today, it fits for right now. The title I used in January was At This Moment. Ironic how things repeat themselves.

It has not been my intention to be so sad and morose in my writings on this blog. At this moment in my life there are things that I have to work through and address the grief. I have been using the blog as a way to do that. When I write, my feelings and thoughts are exposed and I am forced to deal with them. Not try to pretend they don’t exist or will simply go away.

This is a part of the healing process that I am going through. At times we all have things in our lives that have to be dealt with. How we deal with them is an individual choice. I have chosen writing for my blog and have also started to write poetry about the events in my life. It has taken every bit of courage I can muster to expose myself to the world but it is necessary. Perhaps there is someone else going through the same sort of thing in their life and if they read this, then they will know they are not alone.

I have included an email sent to a friend of mine. It was written after a day of talking about this moment in my life. The last sentence sums up how I feel about people that are a part of my life now. Please just listen to me, you don’t have to respond in anyway, just listen to me.

The email sent to a friend:

Last night after I went to bed, I felt so alone. After getting my feelings out in the open how my marriage was, no intimacy, etc. I realized how much I missed having someone next to me. Someone just hold me, give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay.

I realized how tired I am of starting my life over, dusting myself off and moving on. Putting on a happy face so no one can see the pain and doubt. Maybe it's because I am older now, but this time I have been knocked so far down, I am having a hard time getting up. Just when I think I have made progress, I let those negative feelings creep in. I am tired of taking care of myself, always have to be independent. I want someone to take care of me for a change. I am tired of making decisions alone. I am tired, well I am just tired.

People around me now, with the exception of you, my new friend, don't understand. They think I should be able to forget everything and put it away as if nothing happened and they don't take it seriously. They don't understand that grief is a part of my life for the moment and I have to work through it. Not grief over him, but grief because a part of me has died and grief because I let it happen.

I have tried to tell them the things that I have shared with you; they interrupt me and change the subject. They don't want to hear what I have to say. It embarrasses them and they don't have a clue how to respond. They don't realize, I don't need a response from them, only for them to listen so they will know me and my world at the moment.

A Prayer

This was sent to me by a very good friend and I would like to share it with you.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly.

This is my prayer. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

What Have I Done

As I sit here in my new home, I have been asking myself, What Have I Done? This question is causing a panic in me. Have I undertaken more than I can handle? Will I make it? How will I live? How will I survive? Right now I cannot answer these questions, but they must be asked. I pray for God's blessings that He has bestowed upon me and for the food and shelter He has provided. That is the most I can do now. I know with His guidance, I will be okay. This is the first time in over fifteen years that I have been on my own and undertaken such a big responsibility as buying a home. I call it a home although it is a condo because I am making it my home. Little by little, the panic will subside as it always does and I will be able to answer some of my own questions. I have a plan and as long as I follow that plan, I will make it on my own.

Things

Thanksgiving was nice especially since I am now officially in my new apartment. I got the keys on Wednesday, the 21st and moved my few things in. Went shopping on Friday and got lots of stuff for the kitchen. My son loaned me a couch to sleep on and a coffee table. Frank from downstairs loaned me a TV and I have my computer. It will take time but I am beginning to get myself settled down in my own place with my own things and peace and quite. I have not heard from my husband so I know that I will have to call or write to see if he filed the divorce papers. It is scary when I do not get a call on my cell phone even though I do not answer them. I said before when the call shows up at least I know where he is. My mood has improved and I am sleeping better. Things are definitely looking up. Thanks to God for that.

Stories

Every time I read a news story about a woman gone missing and later read the story of the recovery of her body, I flash back to my husband and think that could have been me. I also think he could never have harmed me, could he. When he was sober, he told me loved me and would take care of me. When he was drinking, I was the scum of the earth and he told me he would kill me. Mixed messages. No way to know which was the truth but I suspect the version told when he was drinking was close to the truth since he never showed any emotion when sober. I know I did the right thing by leaving so my family and friends would never have to search for me or my body. I am not being overly dramatic, that is just the truth. No matter how mild mannered I think he was sober, when he drank there was a monster that appeared and that monster was capable of murder. He put up such a good front for his friends and others that few people would believe me when I told them things he did and said. In their eyes, I was the bad guy. It is not important what they think about me, I only wish they would open their eyes and see the truth about him and realize that I was not really the bad guy, he was.

The Call

A person I thought was a friend gave my husband the telephone number for my son and of course he called and left a message. The message was he did not understand the divorce papers and if I did not call him, he would just throw them in the trash and see an attorney. The message was left Sunday night and my son waited until Monday morning to tell me (so I could sleep and not be worried). I took a shower to have time to think and then a Xanax to calm down. I decided that sooner or later I would have to talk to him so I bit the bullet and called. He was not drinking and once again says it is because right after I left, he had another near death illness. His blood was much to thin (from blood thinners and alcohol) and his liver is affected. He sounded like he did when we first met. Don't worry, I stood my ground because even though he sounds normal, I remember what happened when I returned in March of this year. I answered the question he had and tried to convince him to file the paperwork so we could finalize the divorce and move on. He wanted to talk and I wanted to end the conversation. After 20 minutes, I told a lie (that I had a doctors appointment and needed to hangup).

What I took away from the conversation is that it is still about him. His health, his car problems, his lack of money, his family, his hard times. I realized that I do not hate him nor do I love him. I do pray each night that he will find some peace and happiness in his life. I sincerely hope these things are possible for him. I also realized that I am moving forward and it was not as scary as I thought it would be to talk to him. It is this way when he is not drinking, if only he had realized this before we may have had a chance. But I cannot start the what ifs, because I have been burned one to many times and it is time for me now.

Waiting

The divorce paperwork should be delivered today. I will know since there will be calls to my cell phone which I still do not answer. The best thing about a call coming in is that I know where he is and do not have to worry about him being close to where I am. I do not answer because I do not want to hear his voice nor what he has to say. It is not time for me to talk to him. Perhaps that will happen in the future, but at this time I would say no. I do not think that he will ever leave my life since I know his routine. He starts to drink and think, picks up the telephone and calls the person that is the object of his rage at the time. If that person does not answer the telephone, he continues to dial their number, over and over again. Occasionally he will leave a vile message and really expects an answer back. He then wonders why no one wants to talk to him. This is just a very small part of how we lived.

Alcohol makes people do and say things they would not ordinally. This statement is made from personal experience. People say that alcohol gives you the courage to express what is on your mind and what you really feel. I can do this without the alcohol and take the time to think about my words before speaking. I believe alcohol is used as an excuse to be rude and hateful to others and otherwise be a jerk. Yes, alochol is an addiction and not everyone reacts this way but far too many do. I know I did and I am truly grateful that for the past four years I have chosen not to drink.

Sad Today

I am sad today. The forms to file for divorce in my old state were mailed yesterday to my husband with instructions on how to file at no cost and no appearance in court by either of us. If all goes according to the filing requirements, by January 2008, another chapter in my life will be closed and another will begin to be written. Why am I sad? After all, I want a divorce from him. I am sad because I invested fifteen years of my life in a relationship that failed. I feel like there has been a death in the family and I need to grieve but I do not know why I would be grieving. At the store last night, every time I turned around, I saw foods that were his favorite. Each time, it was like a dagger being plunged into my heart. It is amazing how small things can create such a strong emotion in us. I am hoping that with time this will pass. The question is how much time will it take.

Silent Voice

Written by Sylvia (Input from billy rob, my teacher)

He silenced my voice so my words went unspoken
and all through those years held me down.
I dared not speak, for the cost would be hell
if my words should cause him to frown.

My opinions, thoughts, and views of this life
with me silenced, could never be spoken.
I dared not speak, for the cost would be hell
and I would be left shattered and broken.

Out of fear I gave in, never taking a stand
constantly rebuked I was silenced again.
I dared not speak, for the cost would be hell
and this I can never explain.

Living in a maze, what direction should I take
Never asking anyone’s help or advice
I dared not speak for the cost would be hell
And my way would have to suffice

I have found my voice, no longer to be silenced
No longer will I be held down
I dare now to speak, for I'm free from that hell
and I'll never again face his frown.

Copyright © 2007 Sylvia A. Feeley All Rights Reserved

Abuse is a Form of Terrorism

As I was reading the news this morning, it struck me that abuse is a form of terrorism. I had never thought of it that way. I now have an idea of how people feel who are subjected to terror everyday of their lives. Not knowing when the next attack will occur and will they survive another day. I do not intend this to demean in any way people who are affected by terrorism, it is only my observation regarding the feelings inflicted by an abuser. Each day is a struggle with highs and lows. One minute you are up and ready to conquer the world and the next minute ready to get in the corner in a fetal position and withdraw from life. Today and this minute, I am in the conquer mode and not sure how long it will last. I am getting better and I do hope that I can be whiny without someone saying, Get Over It. Until you have been there, you have no right to say that because as I said before, until it happens to you, you cannot understand what has been done to me or countless others who suffer abuse.

It helps to get these feelings out and in black and white. It makes them real so I know I am not really going crazy. My desire is that if there is a person reading this that has been abused, they will know they are not alone. There is someone who understands. Perhaps it will help them take action if they are still in an abusive situation. It is scary and it does take courage but it cannot be any more scary that staying. There are places to go and people who will help. Above all know that you are not alone.

Another Addiction

He keeps calling my cell and I will not answer. I cannot and will not talk to him now. I am afraid to. I did send an email to his friend giving him an address where a letter could be sent. It is not where I live, only where I get mail. I have prepared the papers to send him so that he can file them and we can be divorced without cost to either of us and without having to appear before the a judge. We had no property or assets to split, so it is very straightforward. If he follows the instructions, a divorce can be granted 60 days from date the first set of paperwork is filed. This is the best that I can do now.

I am still in the process of recovery and as with all addictions, it is not easy. I call it an addiction because there are withdrawal symptoms. Things I see and hear remind me of him and the past fifteen years that we spent together. I cringe when the thought creeps into my mind, I still care about him. In a way that is true. That “care” is not love nor is it hate. I can tell that this is not going to be a fast recovery but nevertheless, it will be a recovery. I write these post with the intent to cleanse my soul and aid in my recovery. The posts may sound disjointed but that is the way my mind is operating these days. Some are better than others. One day at a time is the mantra I need to repeat.

I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work with abused women once my recovery is well underway. I do not think I could do that right now. I am not sure I could be objective and reasonable with them. I did volunteer work with the Women's Shelter in my old town when it was just getting started many years ago and had to stop after several years. I stopped after receiving a call from an abused woman and I identified with her. I stopped being there just to listen and hear her. I wanted to give her advice and that was not what I was trained to do. The reason that I identified with her is that I had been in an abusive marriage at the time.

You see, it seems that I pick all the wrong men, those who abuse. I am trying to figure out why I do that. I think it has to do with lack of self esteem, feelings of being worthless and not being deserving of good treatment. I also think it has to do with desperation to have a man in my life and the mistaken belief that it was necessary in order to be a whole complete person. That is not true. I can be happy with me without anyone else being present in my life. I deserve to be happy and have a good life.

Quote

Dorothy Thompson:

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.

Escape

This is in no way intended to minimize Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). You see, I am somewhere between these two. I have never been to a war to defend our country, only a war to defend myself. You cannot imagine the stress caused by someone standing over you with a knife saying, “I will kill you” if you do not do what I say. You cannot imagine being told how easy it would be to kill you while you sleep. You cannot imagine what it is like to be told, “I will stab you in the back and ram the knife all the way through to your chest while you sleep”. You cannot imagine what is feels like to have someone attempt to choke you. You cannot imagine what is feels like to be kicked, pushed, shoved, hit, hair pulled, knocked down, yelled at, told how worthless and rotten you are. You cannot imagine what it is like to be told “I will hunt you down and kill you, if you leave”. You cannot imagine the fear I felt and still feel at times. I do not have to imagine, because these things happened to me.

On September 14, 2007, I found the courage to escape for the third and final time. I will never go back to these things, no matter what. I will not be taken in again by his cunning ways. And if he does hunt me down and kill me so be it. I am not completely free of these things today, but it will not be long before I am. All things take time and I have time.

Grateful Day

Even though I am grateful everyday, I haven't expressed the things I am grateful for in writing for a while. So today is going to be the day I do so.

As always the first thing on the list, God loves me no matter what and forgives me.

My faith in God.

Hope and courage.

For my life.

When I wake up in the morning that I have been blessed with another day on God’s earth.

That I do not drink on this day.

My mother saw me clean and sober before she passed away.

That I have food and shelter.

That I will survive this turmoil and become stronger.

For “Poi Dog”, my son's Chihuahua.

Bil and Larry.

Good weather.

Blog friends.

Domestic Violence

Abuse takes many forms. It can be physical, emotional/verbal. Typically, the hurt from physical abuse eases and wounds heal, sometimes leaving behind scars on your body. The wounds from emotional/verbal abuse are harder to heal. It hurts to the very core of your being and kills your self-esteem, fills you with doubts as to your worth as a human being. No matter hard you try to overcome the pain in your soul, there is always that lingering doubt deep inside. How do I know? I have been in two abusive relationships in my life and I am trying my best to overcome these feelings. There are so many feelings inside me: anger at myself for letting it happen again, anger at him for feeling that he could do those things to me, doubt that I did all I could to get help to save our marriage and get us help, doubt that I am really a good person, did I do something to deserve this treatment, what is wrong with me, why do I still care about him, did I do the right thing by leaving, how will he survive. The list goes on. Even though I am no longer in the situation, I am still letting him control me by worrying about how he will survive and get by, will he find me and make good on his threat to kill me, how will I make it without him.

People wonder why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. Many times, it is because she is not financially able to survive on her own, especially if there are children. She has been beaten so far down that she feels she cannot make it on her own. There are shelters but you can only stay there for so long. You have to think about a job, a place to live, food, divorce, becoming self sufficient, living again, rebuilding your self-esteem, making new friends. It is especially difficult if you are my age, 64. Most agencies are designed to work for younger women with children and do not know what to do or how to help an older adult woman. We have the same things to overcome as a younger woman and in many cases more since we stayed much longer than they did. We grew up in a society that said you stayed married no matter what happened, for better or worse.

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, be there for them to talk if they need to, do not push them to leave but gently let them know you will help them if that time comes, support them however you can. Above all, unless you have been abused yourself, do not tell them you know how they feel, because you cannot know that. You can only imagine.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
http://www.ndvh.org/
Break the silence, make the call